Etiquette

Dad: "Here's your tortellini."
Son 2: "A spoon? What are we? Cavemen?"

Minor Household Repair

Dad: "There you go... fixed and better than new!"
Son 2 : "I don't see how that's possible. Unless it involves lasers."

Husband: "I couldn't get the gecko to get on Barbie until I put her clothes back on. I think his claws kept sliding off when she was naked."
Ref: http://marcmack.tumblr.com/post/15050733929/theirs-was-truly-a-forbidden-love

50ft. Woman, Episode 2

Son 2: "Dad, The Attack of the 50ft. Woman poster... are you looking at her breasts?"
Dad: "I am now."
Son 2: "They must be what?.. 6 foot boobies?"

Anticipation

Son 2: "I just can't wait for Transformers 4: Rise of the Gravy Train."

50ft Woman

Son 1: "The woman in The Attack of the 50ft. Woman poster must be more than 50ft."
Me: "Yeah. About 150."
Dad: "Let's see, if we assume that man is an average height, the relative..." <math break>..."I get 163 feet."
Me: "What did you use for your height?"
Dad: "6ft."
Me: "That's your problem, average male height is around 5'9'' in the U.S."
Dad: "We picked a tall-looking man. But I guess we need to Google the length of a 1958 Studebaker."

History 101

Son 1: "I'm a Communist!"
Son 2: "Mom! How do a deal with a communist?"
Mom: "Start a Cold War. But take it outside."

Would You Rather...?

Husband: "Would you rather be Wallace, or Gromit?"
Me: "Gromit."
Husband: "Gromit is smarter, but he'll encouter prejudice because he's not a man."
Me: "I'm already used to that."

Spoiler Alert

Son 2: "So in the movie Fargo, Steve Buscemi's character gets chopped up?!"
Son 1: "Serves him right for being able to fit into a woodchipper."

Sex Ed 2

Son 2 (poking) : "Belly belly belly..."
Mom: "Show some respect for whence you were born!"
Son 2: "I was just incubated here. I was born from down there."

The Fine Print

Me: "What's on the agenda for today?"
Son 2 : "Dad has to play Halo with us. He's contractually obligated or Microsoft will repossess his soul."
Dad: "Oh man. I should have read that end-user agreement!"
Me: "Tell me about it. I owe my iPhone a lap dance.

Improv 101

Son 2:"Can I play Skyrim?"
Dad: "No."
Son 2: "You're a bad improvisor."
Dad: "I'm a gynecologist with a gun."

Table Setting

Son 1: "Where did these napkin rings come from?"
Mom: "Well... when a mommy napkin ring and a daddy napkin ring love each other very much, they use their holes to......  what?"
Dad: "Oh I was just waiting for you to go too way far... you know, something about ball gags."
...
Mom: "They're from Crate and Barrel."

Mom: "Boys, keep your hands to yourselves."
Boys: "Elbow fight!"

Company Manners

Mom: "Use your fork to eat that or I'll stab you with mine."
Dad: "It's true. She will."
Son 1: "I know. I'm not the first Son 1."

Holiday Past-times

Son 2: "Can I make a stun gun out of a disposable camera?"
Dad: "Yes, it will be our Christmas project. Then we can rule the galaxy as father & son."
Son 2: "Dibs on being the father."

Construction Zone

Me: "You know, there are instructions in the box."
Husband: "Do you know who else followed instructions?? Nazis!"
Me: "I guess I should have found one to put my new office chair together."

Willfull Ignorance

Husband: "You know I can't use that coffee stuff. It has cream in it."
Me: "Unlike eggnog?"
Husband: "Shut your stinkin' lie hole."

Where's Waldo for Nerds

Son 2: "Wow it's a T-shirt with Pi, made out of the digits of Pi!"
Son 1: "Quick! Let's find the Feynman point!"
(Refs. http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/sciencemath/6e7e/
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feynman_point).

That Old Chestnut

Husband: "Ask me what the secret of comedy is. Go on... ask me!"
Me: "Fine.  What's the secre..."
Husband: "PENIS!"
Unfortunate Truths.

Year of the Protestor

Grandpa: "Did you hear about the Occupy Christmas movement?"
Son 1: "So they're going to put up a tent city in Whoville?"

Homonyms

Son 2, with forward hip thrust: "Hey Dad! I'm a CROTCHETY old man!"
Mom: "I blame your genes."
Dad: "I blame you for lookin' so good in YOUR jeans."

Poli Sci

Son 2: "Uhghhh..."
Mom: "What?"
Son 2: "Nothing. Just Rick Perry."

Dr. Seuss

Son 2, watching the original How The Grinch Stole Christmas: "He drew a lot of really impractical contraptions."
Dad: "You see son, people did a lot of drugs in the 60's..."

Mom: "What kind of clothes do you want for Christmas?"
Son 2: "I'd like more sweatpants, because, you know... classy!"

"Look at me! I'm Canadian Jesus"
Son 1, walking on snow.

Dad: "Why has the Lord smote me with such a cheeky wife?"

Dad: "Guys, I know mom's not here, but could we avoid completely descending into Lord of the Flies territory?"
Son 1: "Can't talk. Killing Piggy."

Son 2: "What do you want for Christmas?"
Son 1 : "World peace."
...
Son 1: "Or world domination. It's basically the same thing if I'm in charge."

Heir and a Spare

Son 2: "What! 'Son 2'? Why can't I be' Emergency Backup Son'?"

Me: "Fold your laundry."
Son 1: "Stop being such a narc."
The catalyst for drug culture etymology lessons.

Dexys Midnight Runners

Dad: "... and thus ends 80's revival night."
Son: "Aww.... I want more 80's revival!"
Dad: "No you don't. You just don't want to go to bed."

Xmas Lobbying

Son 1: "If we ask for something for Christmas that we can't afford, just tell us we haven't been good enough."
Son 2: "Can we have an X-Box?"
Mom: "You haven't been good enough."
Son 2: "The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword game?"
Mom: "Not good enough."
Son 2: "A PENNY?"
Mom: "Wait.. what if we can afford it but you *haven't* been good enough?"
Son 1: "Then just tell us we can't afford it."

Sex Ed

Son: "What?"
Mom: "What What?"
Son: "Penis penis vagina?"
Mom: "Want me to explain it?"
Son: "God no. No."

(ref. 2 posts down)

Holiday parties.

Son: "Wow."
Me: "It's supposed to be bad. It's an ugly sweater party."
Son: "Good job."

Penis Penis Vagina

Son 1: "PENIS!"
Son 2: "PENIS!"
Me: "VAGINA!"
Husband: "Don't bring your vagina into the penis game."
Me: "I'll remember that for later."

Son: "Mom, You OK?"
Me: "Ugh. First day of period cramps."
Son: "Mom! TMI!"
Me: "Look, you have to learn this stuff somewhere. If you had an older sister, I'd be able to leave the over-sharing to her."

Me: "... then you'll have you learner's - or class 7 - drivers license"

Son 1: "What class of license do you have?"

Me: "I dunno... 4 or 5."
Son 1: "So who gets a class 1 license?"
Son 2: "Optimus Prime"