Criticism

Son 1: "Why are fish so smart?"
Me: "Why?"
Son 1: "Because they're not you!"
...
Me: "That's not your best work."
Son 1: "Yeah? Well Mom, maybe I'M not YOUR best work!"

The Artist

Me: "When you asked me what's inappropriate to draw on homework, I didn't think I needed to specify 'a drawing of your teacher standing on top of a mountain of bones yelling I win, b!tches!' "

Holiday Reading

Me: "Really? Mike Birbiglia's book for bedtime stories?"
Dad: "He's 13 years old. I think he's ready to hear the S-word in the past tense."

Space Race

Me: "Nerd."
Son 1: "Racist."
Me: "'Nerd' isn't a race."
Dad: "Clearly you've never seen Star Trek."

Geography

Son 1: "What do mean Hawaii is an 11 hour flight? Why can't they build it closer?"

Determination

Me: "I tried using the Google calendar app on my iPhone, but I couldn't figure it out quickly so I'm still using the built-in calendar."
Son 2: "Thanks for the life lesson Mom. If it's hard, I'll stop trying."

Whipping Boy

Me: "If you want to beat that left over whipping cream you can have it on your pancakes."
Son 2: "Nice one Mom! For once you had a good idea that wasn't me."

You've Got Male!

Me: "Oh look. You're father's issue of the Skeptical Enquirer came."
Son 1: "I doubt it."

Countdown to V-Day

Son 1: "Oh hey, Tuesday is Valentine's Day."
Me: "It is! And I just know that your Dad has something SUPER romantic planned for us!"
Dad: "Listen carefully boys. That's known as 'pimping'."

Beef

Son 1: "If cows didn't want to be eaten, they shouldn't be making their children out of veal."

Street Theatre

Son 1: "We're going to see Waiting for Godot in school."
Me: "Or as I call it, Waitin' for G-Dot."
Son 2: "The 'G' stands for 'gangster'"

Quotable

Son 2: "Oh sorry...What were you about to say?"
Son 1: "Just a quote from the Simpsons. Whatever you were going to say is more important."
Son 2: "That's simply not possible."

Truthiness

Son 2: "I only speak the truth. Or lies. Whichever's more convenient."

Keeping Up Appearances

Son 1: "Mom's here! Quick, act normal!"
...
Son 2: "You're a stupid head."
Son 1: "No YOU'RE a stupid-head!"

Wild Life

Son 2: "Could I get a rabid baby raccoon and as it grows train it to be really vicious to everyone but family members and then glue it to my hand so that it had to got everywhere with me so then I couldn't go to school because it would be a public health risk?"
Me: "Uhhh... how was school today?"
Son 2: "Oh, it was fine."

Upon backing up the car...

Son 2: "Beep! Beep! Beep!"
Me: "Watch your mouth."

HPV OMG

Son 2: "What's this vaccine for again?"
Me: "Human papillomavirus. It's an STI."
Dad: "So in a few years you'll be able to use the pick-up line: 'Hey baby, I'm guaranteed HPV-free!'."

Morale Support

Son 2: "We're all awful people in this family."
Me: "Nope. Just you and your brother."
Son 2: "That was a pretty awful thing to say."

Sick Day

Son 1: "I know I know.... I have to go to school unless I barf up a vital organ."
Me: "Well, you could stay home for a minor organ. If it's a vital organ we'd have to call the doctor."
Son 1: "'Doctor doctor! I just vomited up my heart'. Hmmm...I think it's funnier with 'spleen'."