Snack Time

Me: "You can eat those rice cakes. I think Penny or Deanna left them."
Son 2: "Are they stale?"
Me: "No. They're unopened."
Son 1: "Plus, they come already stale."

Love Marks

Me: "I love you."
Son 1: "I give you a 3 out of 5."
Me: "Seriously?"
Son 1: "Hey! It's almost a B!"

Packin' bags

Grandpa: "Back in my day, we had 'greasers'."
Son 2: "Now we call them 'douches'."

Comedy or Tragedy?

Son 1: "In Twelfth Night, they had a man playing a woman pretending to be a man. And in Face/Off, Nick Cage plays John Travolta pretending to be Nick Cage. So basically, John Woo is this generation's Shakespeare."

Austin Found

Son 1: "You know, they called the show 'The Bionic Woman' because she came after the 6-Million Dollar Man. The logic is that she wouldn't have cost as much because the R&D had already been done and they didn't want to call her the '5-Million Dollar Woman'."
Me: "God forbid they actually spend the same amount and have her more advanced than Steve Austin, given that he was the prototype."
Son 2: "Stop ruining our television with your gender politics."

Cryptozoology

Son 2: "Grandpa, tell us again about how Sasquatch is an alien."
Grandpa: "Hey! There was an episode of the 6-Million Dollar Man about how Sasquatch is an alien!"
Me: "Well that's as good as peer-reviewed publication to me."

Literary Acolytes

Son 2: "Who is the most influential author ever?"
Son 1: "Jesus."
Me: "Jesus didn't write the Bible, God did..."
Son 2: "...at least the Old Testament. The New Testament is just fan fiction."

Pillow Talk

Me: "Apparently we should get some new pillows. They say you should replace them about every two years and some of ours are probably close to twenty."
Son 2: "Two, twenty... what's the difference?"
Me: "A factor of ten?"
Son 2: "You mean a factor of SHUT UP!"

Insanitary

Grandpa: "Dishwashers are evil. You know it's what caused your sewer problems."
Me: "Yeah. It also gave you scabies."
Grandpa: "And an enlarged prostate."

Male Order

Me: "Do you want to go buy new shoes with your dad?"
Son 1: "Yes. Then we can go to those secret dude shops where shoes are much easier to find when unhindered by estrogen."

Sand-blasted

Me: "Wow. The movie 'Blended' only got 14% on Rotten Tomatoes."
Grandpa: "That's actually pretty good for an Adam Sandler film."

Cleansing

Me: "Rinse off your plate and put it in the dishwasher."
Son 1: "You know the difference between you and Hitler?"
Me: "Nothing?"
Son 1: "Exactly."

Intimates Conversation

Grandpa: "You're mocking me."
Me: "You knew that would happen when you started offering underwear to your grandson at the dinner table."

 

Saucy.

Son 1: "You might want to make more salad dressing... actually maybe wait and see if we need it - you can't unmake salad dressing. At least not at the current levels of technology. But what if you centrifuged it?... forget it, that's silly... the egg proteins would separate out."

Pitter Pater of Little Feet

Me: "Grandpa makes a pretty good housemate. He's like a cat who mows the lawn."

Insect-aside

Son 1: "Arghh! Flies!"
Me: "Don't worry. They're only attracted to meat."
Son 1: "We're made of meat!"

Lucky Strike

Me: "I'd like you to wash your sheets today."
Son 1: "I'd like to win the lottery."
Me: "Yes, well, one of these things is achievable."
Son 1: "Yet neither are going to happen..."

Lippy Service

Me: "Did you just say 'shit-faced'?"
Son 2: "Yes."
Me: "You kiss you mother with that mouth?"
Son 2: "Not anymore, apparently."

Racial Slurp

Me: "Did you eat so many crackers that you can't eat your burger?"
Son 2: "Yes."
Son 1: "That's what you get for cannibalism. That and prions."

Goal Setting

Me: "How's phys ed class?"
Son 2: "Golf's hard."
Son 1: "Did you get a touchdown?"
Son 2: "Yes. A three pointer, then a home run."
Me: "That might be why you're finding it hard."

Trailer Trash

Son 2: I think they should make a gritty reboot of The Little Prince where he's a space pirate."
Son 1: "And he could develop a 'special friendship' with a stripper named Foxy."
Me: "Stop. Please. Just... stop."

Knackered

Son 2: "What IS this?"
Me: "Songza's New Wave Hits playlist. I haven't heard these songs in so long!"
Son 2: "Maybe it's because they're bad songs."
Me: "They are GREAT songs!"
Son 2: "Are you sure? My Sharona is on the list."

Summer Dazed

Me: "God lord. Why are you wandering around the house in your underwear?"
Grandpa: "It's a bathing suit! I don't wear underwear."

We Speech Goodly

Son 2: "He's shouting really loud."
Me: "Loudly. It's an adverb."
Son 2: "It's not when I use it incorrect."

MacKenzie Family Circus Studios

Buddy Cop Film Teasers

 "She's just a modern day gal, he's Genghis Khan..."
 "He's Hitler, she's Anne Frank..."
 "He's a germaphobe, she's Typhoid Mary..."
 "She's Catherine the Great, he's Mr. Ed..."
 "He's lactose intolerant, she's Gorgonzola..."
 "He's one day from retirement, she's the Surface of the Sun..."

Natural Consequences

Me: "Don't mock me."
Son 2: "Then don't be so mockable."

Primate-ary Education

Son 2: "What do you want to take at university?"
Son 1: "Science."
Son 2: "What kind of science?"
Son 1: "Maybe learn how to arc weld a hard-drive to a monkey."
Son 2: "Is arc welding like welding but with electricity?"
Son 1: "I don't know! I'm not a scientist yet!"

Master Bait

Me: "I haven't seen grandpa yet today."
Son 1: "Don't worry. Just put out a bowl of pickled herring and compost and he'll find his way home."

GroomMate

Son 2: "Get a job."
Son 1: "Can't. Too busy cultivating my neck beard."

Racetracked

Son 1: "I had to fill out a survey about bullying at school. When they asked for my ethnicity, I put down 'honky'."

FarmVile

Son 2: "Why don't we raise cats and eat them?"
Son 1: "That's delicious."
Son 2: "That's monstrous."
Son 1: "It can be both."

Stone Age

Me: "Go read a book."
Son 1: "What?"
Son 2: "I think Mom mispronounced 'tablet'."

Happy Mother's Day.

Me: "I need to call Grandma."
Son 2: "Oh yeah. You have a mother too. I thought you asexually divided from the host-plant."
Me: "No. That's how you were created."

Malignant Humour

Me: "Oh kids today with your rap music and your video games and your being on my lawn..."
Son 2: "Mom just stop. You're giving me cancer."

Contemptorary Music Pt. 2

Son 1: "What's a 'Yanni'?"

Contemptorary Music Pt. 1

Son 1: "I don't know about that T-shirt. It seems to trendy."
Me: "True. It doesn't fit in with the rest of your peer-avoidant style. Disinterest in learning to drive, aversion to AXE body spray, Yanni on your boom box..."

Father Figure

Son 2: "I like to tell Dad Jokes* because it's a teenage chick-magnet. It shows them I'll be a good dad."

* "Are you cold? Then stand in the corner because it's 90 degrees!"

Pros and Cons

Me: "I love you."

Son 1: "I have to live with you."

Me: "You know, you are legally old enough to move out."

Son 1: "Yeah, but then I'd have to get a job. Or learn to grift."

Autofixation

Me: "The mechanic is just going to take the car out for a test drive then it should be done."
Son 1: "Are you sure he's not just taking the minivan out for a joyride?"
Son 2: "Don't be silly. There is no joy riding in a minivan."

Remote Controlled

Me: "...if you press the TV remote's on button it just takes a second to..."
Son 2: "Mom! Stop talking to me like I'm Grandpa. It's insulting."

NSFW

Son 2: "I don't understand butt sex. I mean it makes sense if you're gay, but why would you if you're not?"
Me: "Some people like it, for variety."
Son 1: "Variety is the spice of life. That's why that stew I made was so good... thyme, rosemary, garlic and a dash of butt sex. The recipe actually called for double penetration, but it was too expensive."

Cold Storage

Me: "What are we going to do with the gecko when you go off to college?"
Son 1: "Uh. I dunno. Carbonite?"

Road Regrets

Son 1: "Hands at 10 and 2 Mom!"
Me: "I knew I was going to regret putting you in driver's ed classes."

Story Bored

Son 1: "OK. I have an idea for a PSA. Two Australian girls are driving in a car and laughing, then they look out in front of them and scream. Then the camera swivels around and shows they're driving towards a giant steel wall in the middle of the road surrounded by children. When they hit the wall, a giant geyser of blood shoots out of the car and it forms a mushroom cloud, and the cloud is shaped like a skull. Then the skull starts laughing and grows flesh turning into Adolph Hitler. Then it cuts to black screen with white text that reads: 'Having fun while driving is a Holocaust waiting to happen.'"
Me: "...so... how was driver's ed today?"

Rick James*

Me: "Are you holding the gecko?"
Son 1: "Uhhh... no. M&Ms."
Me: "Oh. It's just that you're holding your hand as if it contains something very precious."
Son 1: "It does."

*the gecko's name

Gettin' Busy Days

Me: "What are you doing today?"
Grandpa: "Geezer stuff. Shuffle board, bingo, yelling at kids to get off my lawn."
Me: "Spreading STIs through the old-folks home?"

That Old Chest-Nut

Me: "I'm going to go back to school to get a Masters in clown. I can be a Master Clown."
Son 2: "You should go back to school to get a Masters in debate... that way you can be a politician."

Fine Wineing

Me: "Dark chocolate and red wine pair really nicely."
Son 1: "I should just dip a Milky Way in my glass."
Me: "Ugh..."
Son 1: "Don't worry... I'd pair it with white."

Trader Woes

Grandpa: "I understand why Edmontonians are still mad at Pocklington. I'm still mad about the Alouette trade in '59, and the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn. You've got to hold on to a good, meaningless grudge."

It Doesn't.

Me: "At camp, you have something called 'Sparkle Time'?"

Son 2: "Yep."

Me: "Please tell me it involves ponies." 

Galling Shotgun

Me: "Where's your brother? And isn't it his turn to sit in the front seat?"
Son 1: "I'm sorry Mom, he didn't make. We'll have time to grieve later, but for now... drive. Just drive."

Parental Guidance

Grandpa: "Are you going to blog that thing I said about the difference between men & women?"
Me: "No."
Grandpa: "Why?"
Me: "My blog."
Grandpa: "My mouth."
Me: "Fortunately, I get to edit your mouth before it goes on my blog."

Information Overdose

Me: "You probably should give me a list of the medications you're on in case of an emergency."
Grandpa: "Avodart - daily, Ramipril  - daily, Viagra - on request."
Me: "Jesus. TMI Dad."
Grandpa: "It's a prescription! And go ahead and blog it. I'm 70, what do I care?"

The Long Game

Son 2: " I want to create a game that takes longer to play than a human lifespan."
Me: "Interesting.... why?"
Son 2: "I dunno... 'art' or something."

Antiquities

Son 1: "A newspaper?"
Me: "Yep."
Son 1: "Shouldn't you be reading that on your penny-farthing?"

Young punks.

Son 2: "... and then the are the guys with the faux hauks..."
Grandpa: "What's a faux hauk?"
Me: "It's a Mohawk for people who lack commitment."

Slacker High

Me: "How's everything going at school? How are the other kids?"
Grandpa: "Yeah...are you having any bully problems?"
Son 2: "There are no bullies. The douchebags are too apathetic."

The Produce-rs

Son 2: "We watched Plan 9 From Outer Space tonight."

Me: "Wow. Have you watched Attack of the Killer Tomatoes yet?"

Son 2: "No! Was it really meant to be serious?"

Me: "I think so. It came out before they invented irony."

Glowing Up

Grandpa: "Old is better than middle aged. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Dermites

Son 2: "My skin is itchy."
Me: "Do you have a rash?"
Son 2: "No."
Me: "Did you use deodorant?"
Son 2: "No."
Me: "Are you a boy?"
Son 2: "Yeah..."
Me: "Must be cooties."

Pusher Broom

Me: "Oh! After you finish with the broom, could you vacuum the living room?"
Son 2: "I didn't know sweeping was a gateway chore."

Fiction Friction

Me: "So, it seems that Barbie is on the cover of the 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition."
Son 2: "Seriously? That's like having GI Joe on the cover of Guns & Ammo."
Son 1: "Or Optimus Prime on Trucking Today."
Me: "Or ThunderCats on Cat Fancy."

Rash Choices

Dad: "Your skin looks dry, did you try that emu oil on that?"
Son 2: "What about snake oil? Did you try that?"
Son 1: "Yep. Some hippy told me it has powerful mojo."

Attention Deficit Dining

Son 1: "When are we going to be finished eating supper?"
Me: "Why? Do you have homework?"
Son 1: "No. Just a limited attention span."

GrAttitude

Me: "OK. I got all your driving lessons organized, scheduled, and updated the calender."

Son 2: "Thanks."

Me: "So much admin with children..."

Son 2: "Maybe you should have got a dog."

Internal Dispair

Me: "... and that's why we have an intestinal gut barrier... to keep all the bacteria in fecal matter out of you..."
Son 1: "Aaaaah! I have poop inside me! ... AND VOMIT!"

Cage Match

Son 2: "So why do they plant 2 embryos for artificial insemination?"
Me: "Makes it more likely that one will survive. But sometimes both take."
Son 1: "If both survive, before they're born have to fight to the death in 'The Udderdome'"

Genethics

Son 2: "Why aren't we Chinese?"
Me: "Because we're racist."

Movement Smarts

Son 2: "Professional wrestling isn't really a sport, is it?"
Me: "No. It's more like ballet for rednecks."

Thrill of the Hunt

Son 2: "Grandpa is like a cat, but instead of bringing home dead birds he brings home discounted sausage. And he puts the dead birds in the compost."

Avenging Angles

Son 2: "I wish I looked like a superhero."
Me: "Don't. Their bodies are physically impossible."
Son 1: "Exactly. They have non-euclidean abs, breasts that contain themselves and when you talk to a superhero their topography inverts. And THEN they start occupying the same space as each other."

Dong Show

Me: So I got the extended warranty package..."

Son 2: "Heh heh. Package."

Me: "Really?"

Son 1: "You know he'll laugh at any old junk you say."

Maternal State

Son 1: "Mom's a fascist."
Son 2: "Yeah, but she's OUR fascist."

Martial Mall

Dad: "Want me to show you the steps in today's Kung Fu pattern?"
Son 2: "No. I'm going to learn it the way God intended: from an Asian man in a strip mall."

Legal Strike

Me: "I'm eating chips. Don't judge me."
Son 1: "I won't judge you if you don't judge me."
Me: "It's my job to judge you."
Son 1: "Yeah, but I won't judge you for not doing you job."

Period Pieces

Me: "Maybe I should learn tatting for when I watch Downton Abbey."
Dad: "You could knit crumpet covers."
Son 2: "Or teacups."
Son 1: "Or monocles."

Riot Night In

Me: "OK. I'm heading out for the evening. Don't have a wild party."
Son 2: "Don't worry Mom. I'll just invite two friends, Mary and Jane."

The Cost of Love

A text exchange...

Me: Clean up the laundry in your room after school. ps love you
Son 2: Why?
Me: You're my son. I have to love you.
Son 2: If you loved me I wouldn't have to.
Me: Oh really?... Hmmmmm...   I'll have to go with the laundry.

Self-MisPerception

Son 1: "You're the lamest dad I know."
Dad: "I'm the coolest dad you know!"
Son 2: "No. You're the coolest dad I have."

Foody Blues

Me: "I'm eating my feelings."
Dad: "A dried date?"
Me: "I also had some cheese."
Dad: "Dairy & fiber? Good lord woman, at least get some Hagen Daas."
Me: "Good lord... I can't even emotionally eat right."

Angling for a Laugh - A Pair of Puns

Son 2: "When the timer goes all rotate the pizza 180 degrees."
Me: "Because they're pizza Pis?"*

Son 2: "I was walking home and I saw a car perked perpendicular to the sidewalk."

Son 1: "That's normal."**

References:
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radian#Conversion_between_radians_and_degrees

**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normal_(geometry)

Collageral Damage

Son 1: "Mom... are you scrapbooking?
Me: "Uh. Sort of."
Son 1: "Back in my day we had scraps, and we had books, and we kept them separate."

Fists of Furry

Son 1: "...and that's how I got on the international kitten punching circuit."

Me: "In this family, we don't punch kittens."

Son 1: "What? You're not my real dad!!"

Son 2: "MOM!? Well then what CAN we punch?"