Father Knows Best

Dad: "Boys, be a feminist, because the ladies LOVE it!"

Rations

Me: "Can I have some of your chocolate? No, wait. I'll have some of my own."
Son 2: "What do you mean you have your OWN chocolate?"

Classic Radio

Me: "I was listening to this really old This American Life podcast..."
Son 1: "Was it about this new unsinkable ship called the Titanic? Or maybe 'this week... Act 1: Kids who won't keep off my lawn...'"
Son 2: "There was a Vinyl Cafe about too, that wasn't there?"
Son 1: "The one where Dave said 'Morley, fetch my my waivin' gun!'?"

News-worthy

Son 2: "What are they talking about on CBC?"
Me: "A viral video of a 2 year old singing along with Adele."
Son 2: "And why is this news?"

Tantalizing

Dad: "Tantalus was the guy in greek mythology who can see clear water, but every time he tries to drink it receeds away..."
Son 1: "...and there are grapes hanging, but when he reaches for them they pull up..."
Me: "...and he's got a TV remote, but every time he changes the channel it's still The Apprentice."

Sophomoric

Son 2: "That was heinous."
Dad: "Ha ha. You said 'heinous'. Sounds like 'anus'."
Son 1: "Which is next to Regina."

Addendum

Son 2: "...and wouldn't 'momstruation' be more accurate?"

Fightin' Words

Son 2: "Mom, don't be such a narc."
Me: "Don't push me today. I'm menstruating."
Son 2: "Then don't be such a menstruator."

Cultural Knowledge

Dad: "Boys, whatever you do, don't Google 'ball-gag' and 'santorum'."
Son 2: "I know what a ball-gag is from watching Jon Stewart."
Me: "When Social Services comes, everybody hide."

Styling

Dad: "Did you do something to your hair?"
Me: "Uhhh... combed it?"
Dad: "Looks good."
Son 2: "Mom, you look great in 'not crappy'."

Career Counselling

Me: "Have you given some thought about what kind of profession you might want to have as an adult?"
Son 1: "Batman."
Dad: "Hmmm. Requires us being killed so that you can revenge our deaths."
Son 1: "Yeah... but the cool factor makes it worth it."

Chemistry

Son 1: "Why can't we get a swimming pool?"
Son 2: "It would take too much chlorine to handle the party urine."

Too Far.

Son 2: "What's a MILF?"
Me: "Me."

Too Far??

Me: "OK, I'm wondering if this one might be going too far..."
Husband: "Oh god! It always worries me when YOU think it might be too far."

Financial Planning

Son 2: "Mom, Dad! This is the greatest SMBC...*"
Dad: "You're paying their therapy bills."
Me: "Sorry babe. Can't afford it on my income."
*http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2545#comic

Charitable Thoughts

Me: "...and that's why it's often better to give the Food Bank cash donations."
Dad: "Well, that and for their gambling problem."
Son 2: "Dad, you're a bad person."
Dad: "I'm not the one with the gambling problem!"

Convenience Food

Son 2: "Frozen lasagna for supper? It's good, but doesn't feel like a Monday night meal."
Me: "That's because it's too early in the week for lazy food. The Friday supper plan is to fight the dog for his hypo-allergenic salmon & rice kibble."

The Internet

Me: "Do you know what I saw online..?"
Dad: "Pictures of cats?"
Son 2: "Pornography?"
Son 1: "Cat pornography?"

Temptation

Me: "If you don't want me to eat your chocolate, why do you leave it open on the counter like that?"
Son 2 : "To temp you, so I can jack you up later."
Me: "Why are you so bad?"
Son 2: "I have mommy issues."

A Well Appointed Table

Dad: "Seriously? A notepad at the dinner table?"
Son 2: "It's just a part of her place-setting now."

Austentatiousness

Son 2: "What is it that people died from in Jane Austen days?"
Me: "They died from consumption. Nowadays people die from over-consumption."

Improv 102

Son 2: "Dad, that was WAY too far. And not in the good improv too far, but the creepy way too far."
Dad: "There's a difference?"

Great Concept

Me: "Boys, if you don't stop doing that right now, I'll tell you about the night you were conceived."

Arithmatic

Son 1: "you know what's funny? Mooning a platypus."
Me: "Why is that funny?"
Son 1: "It's comedy, Mom, I can't explain it."
Dad: "Sure you can: platypus + buttocks = funny. Can't argue with math."

Natural Consequences

Son 2: "This salad is good, but the vinegar hurts my tongue where it's chafed from sucking on my giant sugar ball* all day."

*As in:
http://www.j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/posts/jawbreaker_photos/

Gluttony

Dad: "Who's ready for another pancake?"
Me: "We're still working on the first round."
Dad: "Consume faster! You call yourself North-Americans?"

End Times

Son 2 : "Why is the bathtub full? Water source for the coming zombie apocalypse?"
Dad: "Yeah. We were going to tell you later, just before bed. So's not to worry you during supper."