One Worder

Son 1: "Want something funny?... PENIS! It's comedy GOLD. Let me repeat it in case you missed it the first time... PENIS!"

Conditional Love

Me: "Can we watch some TV now?"
Husband: "No."
Me: "It's because you don't love me."
Husband: "Yep. Just work on being more loveable, it will come with time."
Me: "...and then we can watch more TV?"

Devolution

Son 1: "What I'm going to want for Christmas this year is the new Wii U."
Me: "You mean PEE U.... Argghh! Look what you've done to me!"
Son 2: "You mean made you awesomer?"

Animal Droolty

Son 1: "I like to call pigs 'bacon-pinatas'."

Mad Money

Me: "So what would you do with $1000 if you could do anything?"
Dad: "Hookers & blow, of course."
Me: "Oh great. Is that your plan to make the boys into 'men'?"
Son 1: "Don't be ridiculous mom. You don't need blow for that, it just helps."

Geneology

Son 2: "Boobies!"
Me: "Why must you just yell that at random?"
Son 2: "It's your fault, you conceived me."
Dad: "I'm pretty sure it's a Y-linked trait."

Cleanliness

Me: "Go put a clean shirt on."
Son 1: "Fine, but I get to act indignant about it."

Support Issues

Son 2: "Mom! I can't believe you said that!"
Me: "What?! Your Dad was making wiener jokes!"
Son 1: "But you're classier than that."
Dad: "No she's not... what? I'm just being supportive!"

"We're in a room"

Me: "I love you."
Husband: "I love you too."
Son 1: "Get a room!"

Culinary Schooling

Me: "Are the burgers still frozen?"
Son 1: "I don't know, I'm not a thawologist."
Me: "Well fortunately I have an advanced degree in Defrostology."
Dad: "...but it's only a Masters."

Hipstamatic

Son 2: "Isn't the phrase 'war crime' ironic?"
Son 1: "You mean 'redundant'. If war crimes were ironic all the hipsters would be doing it."

Terrible Pun

Son 2: "What do you think of euthanasia?"
Son 1: "I think they should get back to making my cell phone."

Hierarchy

Son 1: "...but..."
Me: "... and if you don't stop it right now I'll demote you to Son 2!"
Son 2: "What EXACTLY do you mean by 'demote'?"

Overseas Employees

Me: "What are we going to do for material when the Sons move out?"
Husband: "It's OK, we'll outsource by adopting some small Indian boys."

Ambient Music

Husband: "Did you ever buy Adele's album?"
Me: "Didn't seem to need to. I hear it for free everywhere I go."

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Me: "Hey! I have some unscheduled time tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll see if the neighbour is free for tea."
Son 2: "Because that's what unemployed Mom does..."
Dad: "Your mother's not UNemployed, she's SELF-employed."
Son 1: "I fail to see the difference."

Special Needy

Son 1: "Can I take a test to see if I'm autistic so that I can use it as an excuse to avoid social situations?"
Me: "You were already tested."
Son 1: "AM I?"
Me: "No."
Son 1: "Damn! Can I test again? If I study this time maybe I'll pass."

Unfair Fight

Me: "Just because you all have years of Kung Fu training you think you could beat me in a fight?"
Son 2: "There ARE three of us."
Me: "Yeah...but I've got Mom eyes. "

Breakfast in Bed

Me: "Thanks for the tea!"
Son 2: "Brought to you by Dad Co., Quality Tweets since 2009*"
Me: "And the egg?
Son 2: "Brought to you by Son Co., a wholly owned subsidiary of Dad Co."

*https://twitter.com/marcmack

Business Model

Son 2: "You need to get all of your friends who think your blog is funny to tell two friends. Then we can start a pyramid scheme."

Intervention

Dad: "She's writing down what we're saying again."
Son 1: "Time for an intervention!"
(slaps pen)
Me: "Dammit child! I can't blog physical comedy!"

Tiger Mom

Son 1: "You know they're not called 'Siberian' tigers anymore because they're extinct in that part of the world. Now they're called 'Amur' tigers."
Me: "Pretty soon they'll be called "Calgary Zoo" tigers."
...
Son 1: "You'll want to fact-check this before you blog it."
Dad: "Get one of the interns to do it."
Intern 2: "Intern 1 can use the iPad."

Conditional Love

Me: "Come hug your mother as she chews her mouthful of meat."
Son 2: "I only love you because I have to."

Pyromaniacal

Son 2: "Who wants to set things on fire?"
Me: "Don't make me regret getting you a butane torch for your birthday."

Civil Government

Son 1: "You talk like this: 'You're a stupid blah blah...'"
Son 2: "YOU talk like THIS: 'You a dumb pee pee brain...'"
Dad: "It's just like parliament."

Science Friction

Son 1: "Nerd!"
Son 2: "Racist!"
Son 1: "Nerd isn't a race."
Me: "Clearly you've never watched Star Trek."