Contradiction

Son 1: "Mom, you're like a bad influence, only good."

Reality Check

Me: "Why can't you get behind my art?"
Husband: "It's not art, it's our dinner conversation."

Homework

Son 2: "For homework, some teacher said you should give me some candy or something."
Me: "Your complete lack of commitment to your ruse almost makes me want to induge you."

The Classics

Son 1: "Q: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? A: Neither! I have an erection!"

Pulling Rank

Son 1: "That wasn't very funny."
Me: "Get dressed and do the dishes."

Religious Feed'em

Son 2: "We'd be happy to do the laundry if you perform that arcane ritual that involves sacrificing bacon to the MacKenzie Brother gods."

Middling School

Me: "Did they cover condom use in your Sex Ed class?"
Son 1: "Thanks mom. There's nothing I love more at the dinner table than talking about putting latex on my genitals."

Theatre Trivia

Me: "...so in theatre, there's something called warm and cold washes for lighting. If there's anything at all wrong with your show, the lighting designer will fix it. That's where the expression 'it will all come out in the wash' comes from."

Extra Lessons

Son 2: "Yeah! Long weekend!"
Dad: "Don't worry, we'll make sure you get to Sunday school to fill the void."
Son 1: "We'll hear how evolution is Satan wearing a mustache."

Wildlife

Son 2: "So... you're not going to post what he just said because you know that grandma is reading it, right?"
Son 1: "Now, if you make a comment about sex with cougars, she'll be forced to stop blogging entirely."

Fosse Start

Son 1: "Talk to the jazz hands"

Marketing Madness

Me: "Don't let Coke's youth 'Live Positively' campaign make you think there's anything redeeming about their products."
Son 2: "They're only doing it because they got community service instead of jail time."

Excuse Me.

Son 2: "Can I just eat bacon all day?"
Me: "No."
Son 2: "Is the reason because we don't have enough?"
Me: "That's the excuse. The reason is because it's disgusting."

Film Critics

Me: "All these super-hero action movies are the same."
Son 1: "That's not true. They're wearing different costumes when they punch stuff."

80's Love

Dad: "You know your mom is every woman in the world to me."
Son 1: "Technically, that means he can't cheat on mom."
Dad: "It's called the Air Supply defense."

Physical Comedy

Me: "No spit-takes at the dinner table!"
Dad: "At least not with the good wine."