Rated "N"

Son 2: "Can we get Borderlands?"
Me: "I don't know what that is, but I'm pretty sure the answer is 'no'."

Avoidance

Me: "Did you finish setting the table."
Son 1: "Unnghhh."
Me: "Now."
Son 1: "But MOM, I whined about it..."

Company Manners 3

Me: "There's a reason it's not called a 'butter-lick'."

Shoe Horning

Dad: "Undo the laces on your dress shoes instead of wedging your foot in and out."
Son 1: "Next thing you'll want me to open doors instead of just knocking them down."

Narration

Dad: "I do appreciate story in video games, but it doesn't really seem necessary."
Me: "Kind of like in porn."
Son 2: "Mom. Don't play the porn card."

Social Pariah

Me: "How's your laundry situation?"
Son 1: "Great. I don't have any since I never change my clothes."

Media Studies

Son 2: "Why is there only one female Smurf?"
Me: "Gargamel created her to cause dissent in the village."
Son 1: "That's totally not sexist at all!"

Father's Day Dinner Out

Me: "How's your veal tortellini?"
Son 1: "Delicious. I can taste the cruelty."

Deep Hygiene

Me: "You need to go bathe."
Son 2: "Need is a strong word."
Me: "No, it's an acurate word."

Hoarders

Son 1: "We should stuff the pepperoni pizza crust with chocolate. That way you wouldn't like it and there will be more for me."
Me: "But you wouldn't like it either."
Son 1: "That's really not the point."

Ba-Dum-Ching

Son 2: "MENstruation? More like MOMstruation! Am I right people?"

Cheese-eating...

Dad: "Don't pick on the French."
Son 1: "You're right. They surrender too quickly to make it any fun."

Performance Anxiety

Son 1: "When I'm at a show and get pulled up as an audience volunteer, I always get nervous and just start doing a monologue. Sometimes Hamlet, sometimes Othello."

Upon return...

Me: "It's nice to be home."
Son 2: "It's nice to have you home. Except for all the narcing."
Me: "It's a gift."