True.

Me: "Did your dad really give you some wine?"
Son 1: "Hey. It makes you funnier."

Alien Encounter

Son 1: "Dad, first you said we could probably watch Alien, then you said it might be too disturbing.  If you keep flip-flopping like this, I’m not going to vote for you again."

Demeanial Tasks

Me: "Please unload the dishwasher for me."
Son 2: "Mom. If we do it, how are you ever going to learn to do it yourself?"

TMI

Me: "So, do you have any girls you're interested in?"
Son 2: "Uhhh..."
Dad: "We already had that awkward conversation. It ended with me giving him a jumbo box of condoms."
Son 2: "You mean a box of jumbo sized condoms."

Landscraping

Me: "Did you leave a pile of metal in the backyard?"
Husband: "In my defense, some of it's sharp."

The Evolution of Art

Son 1: "No one needs to know how to sing since they invented autotune, and no one needs to know how to dance since they invented awkward swaying."

No Dice.

Son 1: "My natural 20 roll defeats my need for social skills."

Heath Check

Son 2: "Could you pass that to me? I want to butter my pork chop."

Impulse Control

Me: "That's a lot of chocolate bars."
Husband: "In my defense, they were on the shelf at eye level."

No Shit

Son 2: "The people who make the Sherlock Holmes movies should just give all the money they would spend making the next ones to the people who make Sherlock the BBC series so they can make more episodes faster."