Thrill of the Hunt

Son 2: "Grandpa is like a cat, but instead of bringing home dead birds he brings home discounted sausage. And he puts the dead birds in the compost."

Avenging Angles

Son 2: "I wish I looked like a superhero."
Me: "Don't. Their bodies are physically impossible."
Son 1: "Exactly. They have non-euclidean abs, breasts that contain themselves and when you talk to a superhero their topography inverts. And THEN they start occupying the same space as each other."

Dong Show

Me: So I got the extended warranty package..."

Son 2: "Heh heh. Package."

Me: "Really?"

Son 1: "You know he'll laugh at any old junk you say."

Maternal State

Son 1: "Mom's a fascist."
Son 2: "Yeah, but she's OUR fascist."

Martial Mall

Dad: "Want me to show you the steps in today's Kung Fu pattern?"
Son 2: "No. I'm going to learn it the way God intended: from an Asian man in a strip mall."

Legal Strike

Me: "I'm eating chips. Don't judge me."
Son 1: "I won't judge you if you don't judge me."
Me: "It's my job to judge you."
Son 1: "Yeah, but I won't judge you for not doing you job."

Period Pieces

Me: "Maybe I should learn tatting for when I watch Downton Abbey."
Dad: "You could knit crumpet covers."
Son 2: "Or teacups."
Son 1: "Or monocles."

Riot Night In

Me: "OK. I'm heading out for the evening. Don't have a wild party."
Son 2: "Don't worry Mom. I'll just invite two friends, Mary and Jane."

The Cost of Love

A text exchange...

Me: Clean up the laundry in your room after school. ps love you
Son 2: Why?
Me: You're my son. I have to love you.
Son 2: If you loved me I wouldn't have to.
Me: Oh really?... Hmmmmm...   I'll have to go with the laundry.

Self-MisPerception

Son 1: "You're the lamest dad I know."
Dad: "I'm the coolest dad you know!"
Son 2: "No. You're the coolest dad I have."

Foody Blues

Me: "I'm eating my feelings."
Dad: "A dried date?"
Me: "I also had some cheese."
Dad: "Dairy & fiber? Good lord woman, at least get some Hagen Daas."
Me: "Good lord... I can't even emotionally eat right."

Angling for a Laugh - A Pair of Puns

Son 2: "When the timer goes all rotate the pizza 180 degrees."
Me: "Because they're pizza Pis?"*

Son 2: "I was walking home and I saw a car perked perpendicular to the sidewalk."

Son 1: "That's normal."**

References:
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radian#Conversion_between_radians_and_degrees

**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normal_(geometry)

Collageral Damage

Son 1: "Mom... are you scrapbooking?
Me: "Uh. Sort of."
Son 1: "Back in my day we had scraps, and we had books, and we kept them separate."

Fists of Furry

Son 1: "...and that's how I got on the international kitten punching circuit."

Me: "In this family, we don't punch kittens."

Son 1: "What? You're not my real dad!!"

Son 2: "MOM!? Well then what CAN we punch?"