Glowing Up

Grandpa: "Old is better than middle aged. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Dermites

Son 2: "My skin is itchy."
Me: "Do you have a rash?"
Son 2: "No."
Me: "Did you use deodorant?"
Son 2: "No."
Me: "Are you a boy?"
Son 2: "Yeah..."
Me: "Must be cooties."

Pusher Broom

Me: "Oh! After you finish with the broom, could you vacuum the living room?"
Son 2: "I didn't know sweeping was a gateway chore."

Fiction Friction

Me: "So, it seems that Barbie is on the cover of the 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition."
Son 2: "Seriously? That's like having GI Joe on the cover of Guns & Ammo."
Son 1: "Or Optimus Prime on Trucking Today."
Me: "Or ThunderCats on Cat Fancy."

Rash Choices

Dad: "Your skin looks dry, did you try that emu oil on that?"
Son 2: "What about snake oil? Did you try that?"
Son 1: "Yep. Some hippy told me it has powerful mojo."

Attention Deficit Dining

Son 1: "When are we going to be finished eating supper?"
Me: "Why? Do you have homework?"
Son 1: "No. Just a limited attention span."

GrAttitude

Me: "OK. I got all your driving lessons organized, scheduled, and updated the calender."

Son 2: "Thanks."

Me: "So much admin with children..."

Son 2: "Maybe you should have got a dog."

Internal Dispair

Me: "... and that's why we have an intestinal gut barrier... to keep all the bacteria in fecal matter out of you..."
Son 1: "Aaaaah! I have poop inside me! ... AND VOMIT!"

Cage Match

Son 2: "So why do they plant 2 embryos for artificial insemination?"
Me: "Makes it more likely that one will survive. But sometimes both take."
Son 1: "If both survive, before they're born have to fight to the death in 'The Udderdome'"

Genethics

Son 2: "Why aren't we Chinese?"
Me: "Because we're racist."

Movement Smarts

Son 2: "Professional wrestling isn't really a sport, is it?"
Me: "No. It's more like ballet for rednecks."