Rick James*

Me: "Are you holding the gecko?"
Son 1: "Uhhh... no. M&Ms."
Me: "Oh. It's just that you're holding your hand as if it contains something very precious."
Son 1: "It does."

*the gecko's name

Gettin' Busy Days

Me: "What are you doing today?"
Grandpa: "Geezer stuff. Shuffle board, bingo, yelling at kids to get off my lawn."
Me: "Spreading STIs through the old-folks home?"

That Old Chest-Nut

Me: "I'm going to go back to school to get a Masters in clown. I can be a Master Clown."
Son 2: "You should go back to school to get a Masters in debate... that way you can be a politician."

Fine Wineing

Me: "Dark chocolate and red wine pair really nicely."
Son 1: "I should just dip a Milky Way in my glass."
Me: "Ugh..."
Son 1: "Don't worry... I'd pair it with white."

Trader Woes

Grandpa: "I understand why Edmontonians are still mad at Pocklington. I'm still mad about the Alouette trade in '59, and the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn. You've got to hold on to a good, meaningless grudge."

It Doesn't.

Me: "At camp, you have something called 'Sparkle Time'?"

Son 2: "Yep."

Me: "Please tell me it involves ponies." 

Galling Shotgun

Me: "Where's your brother? And isn't it his turn to sit in the front seat?"
Son 1: "I'm sorry Mom, he didn't make. We'll have time to grieve later, but for now... drive. Just drive."

Parental Guidance

Grandpa: "Are you going to blog that thing I said about the difference between men & women?"
Me: "No."
Grandpa: "Why?"
Me: "My blog."
Grandpa: "My mouth."
Me: "Fortunately, I get to edit your mouth before it goes on my blog."

Information Overdose

Me: "You probably should give me a list of the medications you're on in case of an emergency."
Grandpa: "Avodart - daily, Ramipril  - daily, Viagra - on request."
Me: "Jesus. TMI Dad."
Grandpa: "It's a prescription! And go ahead and blog it. I'm 70, what do I care?"

The Long Game

Son 2: " I want to create a game that takes longer to play than a human lifespan."
Me: "Interesting.... why?"
Son 2: "I dunno... 'art' or something."

Antiquities

Son 1: "A newspaper?"
Me: "Yep."
Son 1: "Shouldn't you be reading that on your penny-farthing?"

Young punks.

Son 2: "... and then the are the guys with the faux hauks..."
Grandpa: "What's a faux hauk?"
Me: "It's a Mohawk for people who lack commitment."

Slacker High

Me: "How's everything going at school? How are the other kids?"
Grandpa: "Yeah...are you having any bully problems?"
Son 2: "There are no bullies. The douchebags are too apathetic."

The Produce-rs

Son 2: "We watched Plan 9 From Outer Space tonight."

Me: "Wow. Have you watched Attack of the Killer Tomatoes yet?"

Son 2: "No! Was it really meant to be serious?"

Me: "I think so. It came out before they invented irony."