Pros and Cons

Me: "I love you."

Son 1: "I have to live with you."

Me: "You know, you are legally old enough to move out."

Son 1: "Yeah, but then I'd have to get a job. Or learn to grift."

Autofixation

Me: "The mechanic is just going to take the car out for a test drive then it should be done."
Son 1: "Are you sure he's not just taking the minivan out for a joyride?"
Son 2: "Don't be silly. There is no joy riding in a minivan."

Remote Controlled

Me: "...if you press the TV remote's on button it just takes a second to..."
Son 2: "Mom! Stop talking to me like I'm Grandpa. It's insulting."

NSFW

Son 2: "I don't understand butt sex. I mean it makes sense if you're gay, but why would you if you're not?"
Me: "Some people like it, for variety."
Son 1: "Variety is the spice of life. That's why that stew I made was so good... thyme, rosemary, garlic and a dash of butt sex. The recipe actually called for double penetration, but it was too expensive."

Cold Storage

Me: "What are we going to do with the gecko when you go off to college?"
Son 1: "Uh. I dunno. Carbonite?"

Road Regrets

Son 1: "Hands at 10 and 2 Mom!"
Me: "I knew I was going to regret putting you in driver's ed classes."

Story Bored

Son 1: "OK. I have an idea for a PSA. Two Australian girls are driving in a car and laughing, then they look out in front of them and scream. Then the camera swivels around and shows they're driving towards a giant steel wall in the middle of the road surrounded by children. When they hit the wall, a giant geyser of blood shoots out of the car and it forms a mushroom cloud, and the cloud is shaped like a skull. Then the skull starts laughing and grows flesh turning into Adolph Hitler. Then it cuts to black screen with white text that reads: 'Having fun while driving is a Holocaust waiting to happen.'"
Me: "...so... how was driver's ed today?"