Senior Slacker

Grandpa: "What do you mean I'm called 'Grandpa' in the blog? Why can't I be 'The Dude'?"

Media Literacy

Me: "Guys, it's kinda a media awareness thing I need to talk to you about... you need to be aware that porn is to real sex like what action movies are to real violence."
Son 2: "You mean AWESOME?!?"
Son 1: "Since they're going to watch it anyway, there should be an internet site of pre-screened porn for teens. You know, child-tested and mom approved!"
Son 2: "Mom. Taking off your glasses and rubbing your eyes won't do anything to impair your hearing..."
Son 1: "... seriously. How could you imagine this conversation would end up anywhere good?"

At The Right Hand of God

Grandpa: "Ralph Klein and Maggie Thatcher are both dead? What a wonderful spring! Since he's in rough shape, maybe Dick Cheney's next. Unfortunately, we probably can't hold out for Stephen Harper."

Washful Thinking

Son 2: "Hey! The hotel we stayed in had a bidet, or as I call it, an Analtron 3000."

Objective Reality

Son 1: "Atlas Shrugged: A book so tedious that they had to make it into three movies."

Spelling Beef

Me: "You know, I actually had to learn to spell."
Son 2: "Yeah. I'm sure that used to be a thing."

Rejected Children's Book

Son 1: "If you give a mouse a hooker, he's going to want some coke."