Cryptozoology

Son 2: "Grandpa, tell us again about how Sasquatch is an alien."
Grandpa: "Hey! There was an episode of the 6-Million Dollar Man about how Sasquatch is an alien!"
Me: "Well that's as good as peer-reviewed publication to me."

Literary Acolytes

Son 2: "Who is the most influential author ever?"
Son 1: "Jesus."
Me: "Jesus didn't write the Bible, God did..."
Son 2: "...at least the Old Testament. The New Testament is just fan fiction."

Pillow Talk

Me: "Apparently we should get some new pillows. They say you should replace them about every two years and some of ours are probably close to twenty."
Son 2: "Two, twenty... what's the difference?"
Me: "A factor of ten?"
Son 2: "You mean a factor of SHUT UP!"

Insanitary

Grandpa: "Dishwashers are evil. You know it's what caused your sewer problems."
Me: "Yeah. It also gave you scabies."
Grandpa: "And an enlarged prostate."

Male Order

Me: "Do you want to go buy new shoes with your dad?"
Son 1: "Yes. Then we can go to those secret dude shops where shoes are much easier to find when unhindered by estrogen."

Sand-blasted

Me: "Wow. The movie 'Blended' only got 14% on Rotten Tomatoes."
Grandpa: "That's actually pretty good for an Adam Sandler film."

Cleansing

Me: "Rinse off your plate and put it in the dishwasher."
Son 1: "You know the difference between you and Hitler?"
Me: "Nothing?"
Son 1: "Exactly."