Monday, 30 January 2012


Son 2: "TV is the worst teacher."
Son 1 : "Yeah. They're really slow at getting your assignments back. And they don't even have a final exam, they just average your term mark."

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Emotional Scarring

Me: "I'm going to yoga class tonight if no one minds."
Son 2: "What? You monster. I'll never love again."
Son 1: "Yeah. Mom has the effect on people."

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Erudite Conversation

Me: "Please don't use the words 'fecal matter' during dinner."
Son 1: "OK. How about 'crap-juice'?"

Friday, 27 January 2012

Black Friday

Son 2: "Friday, friday, gotta get down..."
Me: "You know, legally, I am allowed to kill you."
Son 2: "No you can't."
Dad: "It's true. We have an 'I Brought You Into This World' clause"

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Mmmmm... Sacrilicious

Dad: "So in Catholicism they belive in transubstantiation - the turning of wafers into the body of Christ."
Son 1: "Wow. Eating gods. I'll bet Shiva would be nice with some garlic butter and a sprinkle of parmesan."

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Tuesday, 24 January 2012


Son 1: "Mom! He said I smell funny!"
Me: "So go have a shower."
Son 1 : "That's some quality parenting you've got there."

Monday, 23 January 2012


Son 2: "Don't you ever wish you had a daughter?"
Me: "That's why I make your brother grow his hair long."

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Mystery Meat

Son 2: "What flavour sausage is it?"
Me: "I don't know... Italian?... they're the ones your grandpa brought."
Son 2: "If he bought them they're discount flavoured."

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Exploratory Vocabulary

Son 2: "Can I say any word that's in the Bible?"
Me: "Like...?"
Son 2: "Ass?"
Son 1: "Or sodomy, or sodomite, or sodomize, or sodomafy, or Sodom 2 - Revenge of Gomorrah."

Friday, 20 January 2012

Don't Hurt 'Ummm?

Me: "Oh no! I'm running I'm late! ...what time is it?"
Son 2 : "Hammertime?"

Thursday, 19 January 2012


Me: "It seems that our son inherited your gene that prevents you from finding things in the refrigerator."
Husband: "It's the same one that makes him devilishly handsome."

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

The Editor

Dad: "Did you see my last post? 'If I ever find myself on death's door, I'm totally lighting a paper bag of dog poo on fire, ringing the doorbell, and then running away.'* It was quite popular."
Son 1: "Ummm... shouldn't you light the poo on fire before you ring the doorbell?"
Dad: "Thanks for dramaturging my Tweet."


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Inappropriate Encouragement

Son 1: "YOU take the compost out."
Son 2: "No, YOU do it!"
Me: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Dad: "I'm passing you the bad parent Championship belt."

Monday, 16 January 2012


Son 2: "I'm really greatful. You're way more fun than mature parents."
Me: "Well thank goodness you've managed to avoid the tragedy of the well-adjusted."

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Political Action

Dad: "... and then they sent in 'death squads'..."
Me: "Why the air quotes?"
Dad: "Well... I'm sure it's not what they call themselves."
Son 1: "Yeah. They call themselves 'death coalitions'".

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Power User

Son 2: "That guy in the X-Files just needs to sudo in to defeat the evil computer."
Me: "Sudo? Where'd you hear that?"
Dad: "The UNIX is strong with this one."

Friday, 13 January 2012

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Family Relations

Son 2: "It's weird that it could be possible to be older than your uncle."
Me: "One day you could be older than your step-father."
Dad: "Hey!"
Son 1: "Ha! It's funny because it means Dad's gonna die."

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Etiquette 2

Son 2: "Why don't they let me wear my hat in class at school?"
Me: "I suppose it has to do with respect or something."
Son 1: "Nah. It's to stop people from hiding a gun under there. You know it's just a matter of time before someone smuggles in WMDs under a beret."

Tuesday, 10 January 2012


Son 1: "Can I have my own extra-large pizza all to myself?"
Me: "No."
Son 1: "How could you betray my trust that way? I'll never love again."

Monday, 9 January 2012


Son 2: "This switch is loose."
Me: "Stop poking at it. You'll just make it worse."
Son 2: "Where's that saying from?"
Dad: "Every mom ever."

Sunday, 8 January 2012


Dad: "Never fear, little boy, Denial Man is here!"
Son 2: "Dad, you don't have any superpow..."
Dad: "DENIAL MAN!!!"

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Gift Xchange

Son 2: "Why don't we have a clock in the livingroom?"
Me: "You're right. We really could use one, maybe for the mantel. Maybe I'll get you one next month for your birthday."
Son 2: "For your next birthday, I hope you'll enjoy your new Xbox controller."

Friday, 6 January 2012

Holidays' End

Me: "It's your last day of school holidays. You're not going to spend it just playing video games are you?"
Son 2: "Dearest mother, we're shocked you would even think such a thing. We'll be studying and doing core exercises."

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Weird Science

Son 2: "Mom, you're coming to do the puzzle with us?"
Me: "Just a sec."
Son 2: "Because you value time with your children more than all your Facebook friends put together."
Me: "Well, it WOULD be pretty cool to see a Frankensteinian creature made up of all my friends."
Me: "I'm on my way."


Me: "Say something bloggable."
Son 1: "I'm a celebrity now, I'm phoning it in. You say something bloggable."

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Sensitivity Training

Son 2: "Dad! That's racist!"
Dad: "Of course it is. I'm half french."
Son 2: "So I'm only a quarter racist!"

Too Soon?

Son 1: "You're worse than 12 Hitlers."
Son 2: "You're worse than Mecha-Hilter."
Son 1: "You're worse than a Hitler made of wads."
Me: "Boys, in this house, we obey Godwin's Law*!"

* Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies: Once a comparison is made, the conversation is finished and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever debate was in progress.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Sci Fi

Me: "Watching the X-Files with you guys is like being in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode."
Dad: "I'm sorry."
Boy 2: "I'm not."

Post-Season Cleanup

Me: "Come help me get rid of the Christmas tree."
Son 1: "Die you evergreen bastard!"

Monday, 2 January 2012

Driver's Ed

Me: "How's studying for your driver learner's license going?"
Son 1: "It's really boring. It's all 'A class 2 license is required to drive a bus with a maximum of 8 passengers, unless some passengers are of a different race than the driver in which case, the maximum is 12. Or a moped, or a moped with a trailer with no fewer than 3 axels and no more than 17, unless it's Friday in which case it must have 18, for obvious reasons.'... So, can I go play Halo?"

The Periodic Table

Son 2: "Beryllium? I hardly know 'em!"

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Fashion Innovation

Me: "One of thing I like about the X-Files is that Scully wears shoes that she could actually run in."
Son 2: "Yeah. It's weird when police women in those shows wear things like leather panti-suits."
Me: "It's 'pant suit'. I don't know what a 'panti-suit' is, but I'm sure there's a market for it."
Son 1: "Yeah. In Japan."

Movie Night

Me: "Oh... is Shawn of the Dead on Netflix?!"
Dad: "Apparently so. But it's too gory for the boys."
Me: "But it's so good!"
Dad: "Quit tormenting them."
Son 2: "Yeah. Shut up or we'll make you watch Pink Panther 2."