Dad: "So in Catholicism they belive in transubstantiation - the turning of wafers into the body of Christ."
Son 1: "Wow. Eating gods. I'll bet Shiva would be nice with some garlic butter and a sprinkle of parmesan."
Dad: "Did you see my last post? 'If I ever find myself on death's door, I'm totally lighting a paper bag of dog poo on fire, ringing the doorbell, and then running away.'* It was quite popular."
Son 1: "Ummm... shouldn't you light the poo on fire before you ring the doorbell?"
Dad: "Thanks for dramaturging my Tweet."
Son 2: "Why don't they let me wear my hat in class at school?"
Me: "I suppose it has to do with respect or something."
Son 1: "Nah. It's to stop people from hiding a gun under there. You know it's just a matter of time before someone smuggles in WMDs under a beret."
Son 2: "Why don't we have a clock in the livingroom?"
Me: "You're right. We really could use one, maybe for the mantel. Maybe I'll get you one next month for your birthday."
Son 2: "For your next birthday, I hope you'll enjoy your new Xbox controller."
Me: "It's your last day of school holidays. You're not going to spend it just playing video games are you?"
Son 2: "Dearest mother, we're shocked you would even think such a thing. We'll be studying and doing core exercises."
Son 2: "Mom, you're coming to do the puzzle with us?"
Me: "Just a sec."
Son 2: "Because you value time with your children more than all your Facebook friends put together."
Me: "Well, it WOULD be pretty cool to see a Frankensteinian creature made up of all my friends."
Me: "I'm on my way."
Son 1: "You're worse than 12 Hitlers."
Son 2: "You're worse than Mecha-Hilter."
Son 1: "You're worse than a Hitler made of wads."
Me: "Boys, in this house, we obey Godwin's Law*!"
* Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies: Once a comparison is made, the conversation is finished and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever debate was in progress.
Me: "How's studying for your driver learner's license going?"
Son 1: "It's really boring. It's all 'A class 2 license is required to drive a bus with a maximum of 8 passengers, unless some passengers are of a different race than the driver in which case, the maximum is 12. Or a moped, or a moped with a trailer with no fewer than 3 axels and no more than 17, unless it's Friday in which case it must have 18, for obvious reasons.'... So, can I go play Halo?"
Me: "One of thing I like about the X-Files is that Scully wears shoes that she could actually run in."
Son 2: "Yeah. It's weird when police women in those shows wear things like leather panti-suits."
Me: "It's 'pant suit'. I don't know what a 'panti-suit' is, but I'm sure there's a market for it."
Son 1: "Yeah. In Japan."
Me: "Oh... is Shawn of the Dead on Netflix?!"
Dad: "Apparently so. But it's too gory for the boys."
Me: "But it's so good!"
Dad: "Quit tormenting them."
Son 2: "Yeah. Shut up or we'll make you watch Pink Panther 2."