Saturday, 26 December 2015

Friends with Bennet. Fits.

Me: "Guys! Great news! Season 6 of Downton Abbey is out!"
Son 2: "I can't wait to find out which white girl Mr. Darcy marries!"
Me: "There's no Darcy in Downton."
Son 1: "I'm pretty sure at least 30% of the men are Darcy. And 50% of the women."

Sunday, 20 December 2015

Sheepish Expression

Son 2: "Wait.... Jesus is the lamb?"
Me: "Yes."
Son 2: "Because he's also the shepherd. That doesn't seem like a very good idea."
Me: "He did get crucified."
Son 1 : "So the system doesn't work?"

Thursday, 1 October 2015

I Was Made for Starvin' You

Radio: "Trump says if he becomes president, he would turn the Syrian refugees back. He says some refugees could be members of ISIS"
Son 2: "Technically, that's true. They could also be members of KISS"

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Natural Insurrection

Son 2: "I hate school."
Grandpa: "Everyone hates school."
Son 2 & Me: "No they don't!"
Grandpa: "Just trying to be agreeable."
Son 2: "Stop. It's unnatural."

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Projectile Cetacean

Me: "What's that toy you throw around sometimes?"
Son 2: "The orca... you know... the penguin-whale."
Me: "Penguin-whale?"
Son 1: "It's like a penguin, in that a whale also doesn't fly."

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Rhetorical Planning

Me: "I might get to that show tonight. I don't know. I'll get there if I get there."
Son 2: "Well tautologied."

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Punch. Line.

Son 2: "What aren't you laughing?"
Me: "Because your joke was so funny I'm paralyzed."
Son 2: "Are you mocking me?"
Me: "Would I mock you?"
Son 2: "Have you met you?"

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Kris Dingle

Dad: "You know there's no Santa Claus, right?"
Son 2: "Well, damn. Who have I been sending my nudes to all these years then?"

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Terminal Inaction

Son 2: "Make him stop!"
Me: "Ignore him and he'll go away."
Son 2: "Mom, he's not cancer."

Sunday, 26 April 2015


Me: "Next week my schedule gets really crazy. You're going to be on your own for supper some nights..."
Son 1: "Just roll crack the window and leave the toilet lid up and we'll be fine."

Saturday, 25 April 2015


Son 2: "What are you watching?"
Me: "Downton Abbey"
Son 2: "Has Mr. Darcy shown up yet to help Sherlock solve the crime?"
Me: "The BBC really needs to hire you."

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Credit Where Credit is Dude

Me: "Yeah. A lot of Brecht's writings were actually written by the women in his life. But historically that's pretty common in both arts and science. Look at Rosalind Franklin and the discovery of the DNA double helix."
Grandpa: "What about Mrs. Einstein, how much did she really do? And Heisenberg's wife? The Uncertainty Principle definitely sounds like something a woman would come up with. Men aren't uncertain about anything."

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Cold Comfort

Son 2: "ARGH! Your hands are freezing!"
Me: "I think you mispronounced 'refreshing'."

Monday, 13 April 2015

Taxing Season

Me: "I'm gross. Do you know why?"
Son 1: "Because your tax hasn't been deducted! Ha! Can't beat an accounting joke!"

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Crossing Over

Me: "Thanks for re-watching The Grand Budapest Hotel with me."
Son 2: "It was good. Will M. Gustave return in The Avengers?"

Sunday, 5 April 2015

Pork belly Politics

Me: "Wow. This bacon is salty."
Son 2: "I think you mispronounced 'delicious'"

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Geek Myths

Son 2: "Some people on the religious right believe there's a high rate of teen pregnancy because god wants it that way. So he impregnates girls. Kind of like Zeus who disguised himself as a swan."
Son 1: "Except god appears in the form of a drunken frat-boy."

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Rebel Hell

Me: "You and beets. I hate beets. I should have raised you too believe you're allergic to beets."
Son 1: "I would have tried them anyway, just to rebel."
Me: "Really?"
Son 1: "Yep. Just like how I rub cats on my face and huff pollen."

Saturday, 14 March 2015

Stay Glassy!

Son 1: "Wine! I'll just drink it from the bottle!"
Son 2: "That will just make you look like an angry middle-aged woman."

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Hierarchy of Deed

Me: "Look. I don't need your judgment."
Son 2: "No, but you're going to get it anyway, so consider it a luxury."

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Plausible Deniability

Grandpa: "Good news! I showed the guys a crack pipe and they didn't know what it was. Or at least that's what they said."

Monday, 23 February 2015

The Rating Game

Me: "How did you like the play?"
Son 1: "It was pretty good. I give it an Art out of 10."