Sunday, 30 December 2012

Biblical Portions



Son 2: "Why would God make an animal so delicious then not allow his people to eat them?"
Me: "Well, it's not the biggest logical issue with a literal interpretation of the Bible..."
Son 2: "No. It's the only one. Everything else is fine. That whole ark thing is a perfectly logical explanation for what happened to the unicorns."
Me: "Yes. As written in Rovers 1.45."

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Legal Rage

Grandpa: "The internet is 18 years old? No wonder there's so much moronic content."

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Pajama Day


Me: "Guys... quiet. Jane Austen isn't Mystery Science Theatre 3000."
Son 1: "That's why we have to make fun of it ourselves."

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Christmas 2012 in images


Ball maze puzzle I am required to solve to access the gift card, courtesy of Son 2.



Toblerbone





Monday, 24 December 2012

Traditional Holiday


Son 2: "Mom... you're watching The Forsyte Saga while ironing linen in the kitchen? Holy crap! Could you get anymore housewifey?"

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Sacrilicious 2

Son 1: "Someone should make gummy figures of the crucifix and call them 'Sweet Jesus'."

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Friday, 21 December 2012

At least he noticed.


Son 2: "Did you get a haircut?"
Me: "Just a bang trim."
Son 2: "It looks like a 1/4 bowl cut."
Me: "It's fashion."
Son 2: "So are sweatpants."

Monday, 10 December 2012

Well Played


Son 2: "My friend's parents won't let her play Portal."
Me: "That's because she has better parents."
Son 2: "Not better, more responsible."

Friday, 23 November 2012

Paperjerk


Me: "I don't have to fill this school form out. It's only if you want to claim aboriginal status."
Son 2: "Could I anyway?"
Son 1: "And if they ask for proof, just shed a single tear for the environment."

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Black Holes


Me: "The crackers are all gone again?"
Son 2: "As teenagers, we don't have mouths and stomachs, so much as holes that lead to other dimensions."

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Mirdry Racist


Me: "Are we going to watch Firefry tonight?"
Son 2: "Firefry?"
Me: "It's the Chinese knock-off version of Firefly."
Son 1: "It's almost exactly the same, but they speak in Mandarin and swear with terrible English accents."

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Nommenclature

Son 2: "I like good food. I'd call myself a foodie, but it would make me sound like a douche."

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Literary Diversion

Son 1: "What the hell is this? I thought Animal Farm would be a sequel the Animal House."

Monday, 15 October 2012

Ageism


Me: "Your dad is pretty spry for an old man."
Son 2: "You're old too if you're using the word 'spry'."

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Mass Erect


Son 2: "There's a sex scene in Mass Effect where you can see some side boob."
Me: "Any side penis?"
Son 2: "No. Mom!"
Me: "What? I could have said 'side scrotum'."
Sons 1 & 2: "MOM!"
Dad: "Whew. Good thing you didn't."

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Angstra-Curricular Activities


Son 1: "Alright. I'll go to Kung Fu. But I'll be grumpy about it until I get to class, then I'll be fine. Deal?"

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Spacial Relations


Son 1: "Why does Son 2 weigh more than me when I'm taller?"
Dad: "He's broader."
Son 2: "That means I have boobs."

Monday, 1 October 2012

Political Produce

Son 1: "I hate apple juice. It's for communists. That's why apples are red."

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Life Stages

Son 2: "Isn't joining Cirque a normal stage in every pre-menopausal woman's life?"

Friday, 28 September 2012

Sensitive Artist


Me: "Son 2 is going to a poetry reading. We'll have to get him a beret."
Dad: "And a pack of Gitanes."

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Will-full Ignorance


Son 2: "Terminator 3 does not exist."
Son 1: "Like there was only 1 Matrix movie, and the Star Wars Christmas special was just an idea."
Dad: "And only one Highlander... there can be only one."

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Tech Talk


Dad: "You're learning to program Java? Nice. Next you'll be talking to your mom about Unix."
Son 1: "Yes, but first I'll need to strap on my neck beard."

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

First World Problems


Me: "Want to read this article about orphanages in India?"
Son 2: "Nope. It will depress me and fill me with white guilt."

Monday, 24 September 2012

Season 2 premiere


Son 2: "Thanks for bringing us presents from your work trip Mom!"
Me: "Thanks for accepting bribes in lieu of actual parenting!"

Monday, 3 September 2012

Locutusmotives


Dad: "You remember when you were really little and into Thomas the Tank Engine, and there was the Diesel 10 train car character with the claw on top that used to freak you out?"
Son 1: "I can see why. It would look like our favorite character had been assimilated by the Borg."

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Gender Issues

Son 2: "If you want me to stop being sexist you need to stop being such a stereotype."

Friday, 31 August 2012

Ethnic Food


Me: "Do you want a white or brown bun for your hotdog?"
Son 1: "That's racist. Pass me a diversity bun."

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Birth Controller


Son 2: "I had no idea that your femi-genes would punch all the sperm to death if it was a legitimate rape."
Dad: "Either that or the egg asks 'What are ya' thinkin'?' so they all go play on the X-Box instead."

Monday, 13 August 2012

Political Action



Son 1: "Dad, first you said we could probably watch Alien, then you said it might be too disturbing.  If you keep flip-flopping like this, I’m not going to vote for you again."

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Zen


Son 1: "What's the sound of one narc narcing?"
Son 2: "It's 'Hey! I'm dad!"

Friday, 10 August 2012

Monday, 6 August 2012

Adventuring


Son 1: "Grandpa, can I borrow a hat for the hike?"
Grandpa: "What's it worth to you?"
Son 1: "Well, Mom's making me ask, so not much."

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Ethnic Cuisine


Me: "What goes well on Greek lamb-burgers?"
Husband: "I dunno... tatziki, retsina, and a weak Euro?"

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Dietary Degradation


Me: "Chocolate Pop Tarts? This is what happens when I go away?"
Son 2: "I tried to stop Dad. I actually really did."

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Whoa.

Son 1: "Mom, when I was your age, we didn't have no stinkin' logic. That's how I could have been your age."

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Non-Gifting


Me: "When I was away at the Winnipeg Fringe, I didn't see anything you'd particularly like. So I decided to just give you the money I would have spent so you can buy festival junk food here at home."
Son 2: "Awesome! Go to more fringes and buy us less stuff!"

Saturday, 21 July 2012

True.


Me: "Did your dad really give you some wine?"
Son 1: "Hey. It makes you funnier."

Friday, 20 July 2012

Alien Encounter

Son 1: "Dad, first you said we could probably watch Alien, then you said it might be too disturbing.  If you keep flip-flopping like this, I’m not going to vote for you again."

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Demeanial Tasks


Me: "Please unload the dishwasher for me."
Son 2: "Mom. If we do it, how are you ever going to learn to do it yourself?"

Saturday, 14 July 2012

TMI


Me: "So, do you have any girls you're interested in?"
Son 2: "Uhhh..."
Dad: "We already had that awkward conversation. It ended with me giving him a jumbo box of condoms."
Son 2: "You mean a box of jumbo sized condoms."

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Landscraping


Me: "Did you leave a pile of metal in the backyard?"
Husband: "In my defense, some of it's sharp."

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

The Evolution of Art

Son 1: "No one needs to know how to sing since they invented autotune, and no one needs to know how to dance since they invented awkward swaying."

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Impulse Control


Me: "That's a lot of chocolate bars."
Husband: "In my defense, they were on the shelf at eye level."

Monday, 2 July 2012

No Shit

Son 2: "The people who make the Sherlock Holmes movies should just give all the money they would spend making the next ones to the people who make Sherlock the BBC series so they can make more episodes faster."

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Rated "N"


Son 2: "Can we get Borderlands?"
Me: "I don't know what that is, but I'm pretty sure the answer is 'no'."

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Avoidance


Me: "Did you finish setting the table."
Son 1: "Unnghhh."
Me: "Now."
Son 1: "But MOM, I whined about it..."

Monday, 25 June 2012

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Shoe Horning


Dad: "Undo the laces on your dress shoes instead of wedging your foot in and out."
Son 1: "Next thing you'll want me to open doors instead of just knocking them down."

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Narration


Dad: "I do appreciate story in video games, but it doesn't really seem necessary."
Me: "Kind of like in porn."
Son 2: "Mom. Don't play the porn card."

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Social Pariah


Me: "How's your laundry situation?"
Son 1: "Great. I don't have any since I never change my clothes."

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Media Studies


Son 2: "Why is there only one female Smurf?"
Me: "Gargamel created her to cause dissent in the village."
Son 1: "That's totally not sexist at all!"

Monday, 18 June 2012

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Deep Hygiene


Me: "You need to go bathe."
Son 2: "Need is a strong word."
Me: "No, it's an acurate word."

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Hoarders

Son 1: "We should stuff the pepperoni pizza crust with chocolate. That way you wouldn't like it and there will be more for me."
Me: "But you wouldn't like it either."
Son 1: "That's really not the point."

Friday, 15 June 2012

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Cheese-eating...


Dad: "Don't pick on the French."
Son 1: "You're right. They surrender too quickly to make it any fun."

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Performance Anxiety

Son 1: "When I'm at a show and get pulled up as an audience volunteer, I always get nervous and just start doing a monologue. Sometimes Hamlet, sometimes Othello."

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Upon return...


Me: "It's nice to be home."
Son 2: "It's nice to have you home. Except for all the narcing."
Me: "It's a gift."

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Reality Check


Me: "Why can't you get behind my art?"
Husband: "It's not art, it's our dinner conversation."

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Homework


Son 2: "For homework, some teacher said you should give me some candy or something."
Me: "Your complete lack of commitment to your ruse almost makes me want to induge you."

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The Classics

Son 1: "Q: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? A: Neither! I have an erection!"

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Monday, 21 May 2012

Religious Feed'em

Son 2: "We'd be happy to do the laundry if you perform that arcane ritual that involves sacrificing bacon to the MacKenzie Brother gods."

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Middling School


Me: "Did they cover condom use in your Sex Ed class?"
Son 1: "Thanks mom. There's nothing I love more at the dinner table than talking about putting latex on my genitals."

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Theatre Trivia

Me: "...so in theatre, there's something called warm and cold washes for lighting. If there's anything at all wrong with your show, the lighting designer will fix it. That's where the expression 'it will all come out in the wash' comes from."

Friday, 18 May 2012

Extra Lessons



Son 2: "Yeah! Long weekend!"
Dad: "Don't worry, we'll make sure you get to Sunday school to fill the void."
Son 1: "We'll hear how evolution is Satan wearing a mustache."

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Wildlife


Son 2: "So... you're not going to post what he just said because you know that grandma is reading it, right?"
Son 1: "Now, if you make a comment about sex with cougars, she'll be forced to stop blogging entirely."

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Marketing Madness


Me: "Don't let Coke's youth 'Live Positively' campaign make you think there's anything redeeming about their products."
Son 2: "They're only doing it because they got community service instead of jail time."

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Excuse Me.


Son 2: "Can I just eat bacon all day?"
Me: "No."
Son 2: "Is the reason because we don't have enough?"
Me: "That's the excuse. The reason is because it's disgusting."

Friday, 11 May 2012

Film Critics


Me: "All these super-hero action movies are the same."
Son 1: "That's not true. They're wearing different costumes when they punch stuff."

Thursday, 10 May 2012

80's Love


Dad: "You know your mom is every woman in the world to me."
Son 1: "Technically, that means he can't cheat on mom."
Dad: "It's called the Air Supply defense."

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Physical Comedy


Me: "No spit-takes at the dinner table!"
Dad: "At least not with the good wine."

Sunday, 29 April 2012

One Worder

Son 1: "Want something funny?... PENIS! It's comedy GOLD. Let me repeat it in case you missed it the first time... PENIS!"

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Conditional Love


Me: "Can we watch some TV now?"
Husband: "No."
Me: "It's because you don't love me."
Husband: "Yep. Just work on being more loveable, it will come with time."
Me: "...and then we can watch more TV?"

Friday, 27 April 2012

Devolution


Son 1: "What I'm going to want for Christmas this year is the new Wii U."
Me: "You mean PEE U.... Argghh! Look what you've done to me!"
Son 2: "You mean made you awesomer?"

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Mad Money


Me: "So what would you do with $1000 if you could do anything?"
Dad: "Hookers & blow, of course."
Me: "Oh great. Is that your plan to make the boys into 'men'?"
Son 1: "Don't be ridiculous mom. You don't need blow for that, it just helps."

Monday, 23 April 2012

Geneology


Son 2: "Boobies!"
Me: "Why must you just yell that at random?"
Son 2: "It's your fault, you conceived me."
Dad: "I'm pretty sure it's a Y-linked trait."

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Cleanliness

Me: "Go put a clean shirt on."
Son 1: "Fine, but I get to act indignant about it."

Friday, 20 April 2012

Support Issues


Son 2: "Mom! I can't believe you said that!"
Me: "What?! Your Dad was making wiener jokes!"
Son 1: "But you're classier than that."
Dad: "No she's not... what? I'm just being supportive!"

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Culinary Schooling


Me: "Are the burgers still frozen?"
Son 1: "I don't know, I'm not a thawologist."
Me: "Well fortunately I have an advanced degree in Defrostology."
Dad: "...but it's only a Masters."

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Hipstamatic


Son 2: "Isn't the phrase 'war crime' ironic?"
Son 1: "You mean 'redundant'. If war crimes were ironic all the hipsters would be doing it."

Monday, 16 April 2012

Terrible Pun

Son 2: "What do you think of euthanasia?"
Son 1: "I think they should get back to making my cell phone."

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Hierarchy


Son 1: "...but..."
Me: "... and if you don't stop it right now I'll demote you to Son 2!"
Son 2: "What EXACTLY do you mean by 'demote'?"

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Overseas Employees


Me: "What are we going to do for material when the Sons move out?"
Husband: "It's OK, we'll outsource by adopting some small Indian boys."

Friday, 13 April 2012

Ambient Music


Husband: "Did you ever buy Adele's album?"
Me: "Didn't seem to need to. I hear it for free everywhere I go."

Thursday, 12 April 2012

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.


Me: "Hey! I have some unscheduled time tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll see if the neighbour is free for tea."
Son 2: "Because that's what unemployed Mom does..."
Dad: "Your mother's not UNemployed, she's SELF-employed."
Son 1: "I fail to see the difference."

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Special Needy


Son 1: "Can I take a test to see if I'm autistic so that I can use it as an excuse to avoid social situations?"
Me: "You were already tested."
Son 1: "AM I?"
Me: "No."
Son 1: "Damn! Can I test again? If I study this time maybe I'll pass."

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Unfair Fight


Me: "Just because you all have years of Kung Fu training you think you could beat me in a fight?"
Son 2: "There ARE three of us."
Me: "Yeah...but I've got Mom eyes. "

Monday, 9 April 2012

Breakfast in Bed


Me: "Thanks for the tea!"
Son 2: "Brought to you by Dad Co., Quality Tweets since 2009*"
Me: "And the egg?
Son 2: "Brought to you by Son Co., a wholly owned subsidiary of Dad Co."

*https://twitter.com/marcmack

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Business Model

Son 2: "You need to get all of your friends who think your blog is funny to tell two friends. Then we can start a pyramid scheme."

Friday, 6 April 2012

Intervention


Dad: "She's writing down what we're saying again."
Son 1: "Time for an intervention!"
(slaps pen)
Me: "Dammit child! I can't blog physical comedy!"

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Tiger Mom


Son 1: "You know they're not called 'Siberian' tigers anymore because they're extinct in that part of the world. Now they're called 'Amur' tigers."
Me: "Pretty soon they'll be called "Calgary Zoo" tigers."
...
Son 1: "You'll want to fact-check this before you blog it."
Dad: "Get one of the interns to do it."
Intern 2: "Intern 1 can use the iPad."

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Conditional Love


Me: "Come hug your mother as she chews her mouthful of meat."
Son 2: "I only love you because I have to."

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Pyromaniacal


Son 2: "Who wants to set things on fire?"
Me: "Don't make me regret getting you a butane torch for your birthday."

Monday, 2 April 2012

Civil Government


Son 1: "You talk like this: 'You're a stupid blah blah...'"
Son 2: "YOU talk like THIS: 'You a dumb pee pee brain...'"
Dad: "It's just like parliament."

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Science Friction


Son 1: "Nerd!"
Son 2: "Racist!"
Son 1: "Nerd isn't a race."
Me: "Clearly you've never watched Star Trek."

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Rations


Me: "Can I have some of your chocolate? No, wait. I'll have some of my own."
Son 2: "What do you mean you have your OWN chocolate?"

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Classic Radio


Me: "I was listening to this really old This American Life podcast..."
Son 1: "Was it about this new unsinkable ship called the Titanic? Or maybe 'this week... Act 1: Kids who won't keep off my lawn...'"
Son 2: "There was a Vinyl Cafe about too, that wasn't there?"
Son 1: "The one where Dave said 'Morley, fetch my my waivin' gun!'?"

Monday, 26 March 2012

News-worthy


Son 2: "What are they talking about on CBC?"
Me: "A viral video of a 2 year old singing along with Adele."
Son 2: "And why is this news?"

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Tantalizing


Dad: "Tantalus was the guy in greek mythology who can see clear water, but every time he tries to drink it receeds away..."
Son 1: "...and there are grapes hanging, but when he reaches for them they pull up..."
Me: "...and he's got a TV remote, but every time he changes the channel it's still The Apprentice."

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Sophomoric


Son 2: "That was heinous."
Dad: "Ha ha. You said 'heinous'. Sounds like 'anus'."
Son 1: "Which is next to Regina."

Friday, 23 March 2012

Addendum

Son 2: "...and wouldn't 'momstruation' be more accurate?"

Fightin' Words


Son 2: "Mom, don't be such a narc."
Me: "Don't push me today. I'm menstruating."
Son 2: "Then don't be such a menstruator."

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Cultural Knowledge


Dad: "Boys, whatever you do, don't Google 'ball-gag' and 'santorum'."
Son 2: "I know what a ball-gag is from watching Jon Stewart."
Me: "When Social Services comes, everybody hide."

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Styling

Dad: "Did you do something to your hair?"
Me: "Uhhh... combed it?"
Dad: "Looks good."
Son 2: "Mom, you look great in 'not crappy'."

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Career Counselling


Me: "Have you given some thought about what kind of profession you might want to have as an adult?"
Son 1: "Batman."
Dad: "Hmmm. Requires us being killed so that you can revenge our deaths."
Son 1: "Yeah... but the cool factor makes it worth it."

Monday, 19 March 2012

Chemistry


Son 1: "Why can't we get a swimming pool?"
Son 2: "It would take too much chlorine to handle the party urine."

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Too Far.


Son 2: "What's a MILF?"
Me: "Me."

Too Far??


Me: "OK, I'm wondering if this one might be going too far..."
Husband: "Oh god! It always worries me when YOU think it might be too far."

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Financial Planning


Son 2: "Mom, Dad! This is the greatest SMBC...*"
Dad: "You're paying their therapy bills."
Me: "Sorry babe. Can't afford it on my income."
*http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2545#comic

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Charitable Thoughts


Me: "...and that's why it's often better to give the Food Bank cash donations."
Dad: "Well, that and for their gambling problem."
Son 2: "Dad, you're a bad person."
Dad: "I'm not the one with the gambling problem!"

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Convenience Food


Son 2: "Frozen lasagna for supper? It's good, but doesn't feel like a Monday night meal."
Me: "That's because it's too early in the week for lazy food. The Friday supper plan is to fight the dog for his hypo-allergenic salmon & rice kibble."

Monday, 12 March 2012

The Internet



Me: "Do you know what I saw online..?"
Dad: "Pictures of cats?"
Son 2: "Pornography?"
Son 1: "Cat pornography?"

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Temptation


Me: "If you don't want me to eat your chocolate, why do you leave it open on the counter like that?"
Son 2 : "To temp you, so I can jack you up later."
Me: "Why are you so bad?"
Son 2: "I have mommy issues."

Friday, 9 March 2012

A Well Appointed Table


Dad: "Seriously? A notepad at the dinner table?"
Son 2: "It's just a part of her place-setting now."

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Austentatiousness


Son 2: "What is it that people died from in Jane Austen days?"
Me: "They died from consumption. Nowadays people die from over-consumption."

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Improv 102


Son 2: "Dad, that was WAY too far. And not in the good improv too far, but the creepy way too far."
Dad: "There's a difference?"

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Great Concept

Me: "Boys, if you don't stop doing that right now, I'll tell you about the night you were conceived."

Monday, 5 March 2012

Arithmatic


Son 1: "you know what's funny? Mooning a platypus."
Me: "Why is that funny?"
Son 1: "It's comedy, Mom, I can't explain it."
Dad: "Sure you can: platypus + buttocks = funny. Can't argue with math."

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Natural Consequences

Son 2: "This salad is good, but the vinegar hurts my tongue where it's chafed from sucking on my giant sugar ball* all day."

*As in:
http://www.j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/posts/jawbreaker_photos/

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Gluttony


Dad: "Who's ready for another pancake?"
Me: "We're still working on the first round."
Dad: "Consume faster! You call yourself North-Americans?"

Friday, 2 March 2012

End Times


Son 2 : "Why is the bathtub full? Water source for the coming zombie apocalypse?"
Dad: "Yeah. We were going to tell you later, just before bed. So's not to worry you during supper."

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Criticism


Son 1: "Why are fish so smart?"
Me: "Why?"
Son 1: "Because they're not you!"
...
Me: "That's not your best work."
Son 1: "Yeah? Well Mom, maybe I'M not YOUR best work!"

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

The Artist


Me: "When you asked me what's inappropriate to draw on homework, I didn't think I needed to specify 'a drawing of your teacher standing on top of a mountain of bones yelling I win, b!tches!' "

Monday, 27 February 2012

Holiday Reading

Me: "Really? Mike Birbiglia's book for bedtime stories?"
Dad: "He's 13 years old. I think he's ready to hear the S-word in the past tense."

Friday, 17 February 2012

Space Race

Me: "Nerd."
Son 1: "Racist."
Me: "'Nerd' isn't a race."
Dad: "Clearly you've never seen Star Trek."

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Geography

Son 1: "What do mean Hawaii is an 11 hour flight? Why can't they build it closer?"

Monday, 13 February 2012

Determination


Me: "I tried using the Google calendar app on my iPhone, but I couldn't figure it out quickly so I'm still using the built-in calendar."
Son 2: "Thanks for the life lesson Mom. If it's hard, I'll stop trying."

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Whipping Boy


Me: "If you want to beat that left over whipping cream you can have it on your pancakes."
Son 2: "Nice one Mom! For once you had a good idea that wasn't me."

Saturday, 11 February 2012

You've Got Male!


Me: "Oh look. You're father's issue of the Skeptical Enquirer came."
Son 1: "I doubt it."

Friday, 10 February 2012

Countdown to V-Day


Son 1: "Oh hey, Tuesday is Valentine's Day."
Me: "It is! And I just know that your Dad has something SUPER romantic planned for us!"
Dad: "Listen carefully boys. That's known as 'pimping'."

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Beef

Son 1: "If cows didn't want to be eaten, they shouldn't be making their children out of veal."

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Street Theatre


Son 1: "We're going to see Waiting for Godot in school."
Me: "Or as I call it, Waitin' for G-Dot."
Son 2: "The 'G' stands for 'gangster'"

Quotable


Son 2: "Oh sorry...What were you about to say?"
Son 1: "Just a quote from the Simpsons. Whatever you were going to say is more important."
Son 2: "That's simply not possible."

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Truthiness

Son 2: "I only speak the truth. Or lies. Whichever's more convenient."

Monday, 6 February 2012

Keeping Up Appearances


Son 1: "Mom's here! Quick, act normal!"
...
Son 2: "You're a stupid head."
Son 1: "No YOU'RE a stupid-head!"

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Wild Life


Son 2: "Could I get a rabid baby raccoon and as it grows train it to be really vicious to everyone but family members and then glue it to my hand so that it had to got everywhere with me so then I couldn't go to school because it would be a public health risk?"
Me: "Uhhh... how was school today?"
Son 2: "Oh, it was fine."

Friday, 3 February 2012

HPV OMG

Son 2: "What's this vaccine for again?"
Me: "Human papillomavirus. It's an STI."
Dad: "So in a few years you'll be able to use the pick-up line: 'Hey baby, I'm guaranteed HPV-free!'."

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Morale Support


Son 2: "We're all awful people in this family."
Me: "Nope. Just you and your brother."
Son 2: "That was a pretty awful thing to say."

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Sick Day


Son 1: "I know I know.... I have to go to school unless I barf up a vital organ."
Me: "Well, you could stay home for a minor organ. If it's a vital organ we'd have to call the doctor."
Son 1: "'Doctor doctor! I just vomited up my heart'. Hmmm...I think it's funnier with 'spleen'."

Monday, 30 January 2012

Education


Son 2: "TV is the worst teacher."
Son 1 : "Yeah. They're really slow at getting your assignments back. And they don't even have a final exam, they just average your term mark."

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Emotional Scarring


Me: "I'm going to yoga class tonight if no one minds."
Son 2: "What? You monster. I'll never love again."
Son 1: "Yeah. Mom has the effect on people."

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Erudite Conversation

Me: "Please don't use the words 'fecal matter' during dinner."
Son 1: "OK. How about 'crap-juice'?"

Friday, 27 January 2012

Black Friday


Son 2: "Friday, friday, gotta get down..."
Me: "You know, legally, I am allowed to kill you."
Son 2: "No you can't."
Dad: "It's true. We have an 'I Brought You Into This World' clause"

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Mmmmm... Sacrilicious


Dad: "So in Catholicism they belive in transubstantiation - the turning of wafers into the body of Christ."
Son 1: "Wow. Eating gods. I'll bet Shiva would be nice with some garlic butter and a sprinkle of parmesan."

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Hygiene


Son 1: "Mom! He said I smell funny!"
Me: "So go have a shower."
Son 1 : "That's some quality parenting you've got there."

Monday, 23 January 2012

Displacement


Son 2: "Don't you ever wish you had a daughter?"
Me: "That's why I make your brother grow his hair long."

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Mystery Meat


Son 2: "What flavour sausage is it?"
Me: "I don't know... Italian?... they're the ones your grandpa brought."
Son 2: "If he bought them they're discount flavoured."

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Exploratory Vocabulary


Son 2: "Can I say any word that's in the Bible?"
Me: "Like...?"
Son 2: "Ass?"
Son 1: "Or sodomy, or sodomite, or sodomize, or sodomafy, or Sodom 2 - Revenge of Gomorrah."

Friday, 20 January 2012

Don't Hurt 'Ummm?


Me: "Oh no! I'm running I'm late! ...what time is it?"
Son 2 : "Hammertime?"

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Mendel's-Son


Me: "It seems that our son inherited your gene that prevents you from finding things in the refrigerator."
Husband: "It's the same one that makes him devilishly handsome."

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

The Editor


Dad: "Did you see my last post? 'If I ever find myself on death's door, I'm totally lighting a paper bag of dog poo on fire, ringing the doorbell, and then running away.'* It was quite popular."
Son 1: "Ummm... shouldn't you light the poo on fire before you ring the doorbell?"
Dad: "Thanks for dramaturging my Tweet."

*Ref: twitter.com/marcmack

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Inappropriate Encouragement


Son 1: "YOU take the compost out."
Son 2: "No, YOU do it!"
Me: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Dad: "I'm passing you the bad parent Championship belt."

Monday, 16 January 2012

Gratitude


Son 2: "I'm really greatful. You're way more fun than mature parents."
Me: "Well thank goodness you've managed to avoid the tragedy of the well-adjusted."

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Political Action


Dad: "... and then they sent in 'death squads'..."
Me: "Why the air quotes?"
Dad: "Well... I'm sure it's not what they call themselves."
Son 1: "Yeah. They call themselves 'death coalitions'".

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Power User


Son 2: "That guy in the X-Files just needs to sudo in to defeat the evil computer."
Me: "Sudo? Where'd you hear that?"
Dad: "The UNIX is strong with this one."

Friday, 13 January 2012

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Family Relations


Son 2: "It's weird that it could be possible to be older than your uncle."
Me: "One day you could be older than your step-father."
Dad: "Hey!"
Son 1: "Ha! It's funny because it means Dad's gonna die."

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Etiquette 2


Son 2: "Why don't they let me wear my hat in class at school?"
Me: "I suppose it has to do with respect or something."
Son 1: "Nah. It's to stop people from hiding a gun under there. You know it's just a matter of time before someone smuggles in WMDs under a beret."

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Take-out


Son 1: "Can I have my own extra-large pizza all to myself?"
Me: "No."
Son 1: "How could you betray my trust that way? I'll never love again."

Monday, 9 January 2012

Aphorism


Son 2: "This switch is loose."
Me: "Stop poking at it. You'll just make it worse."
Son 2: "Where's that saying from?"
Dad: "Every mom ever."

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Hero


Dad: "Never fear, little boy, Denial Man is here!"
Son 2: "Dad, you don't have any superpow..."
Dad: "DENIAL MAN!!!"

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Gift Xchange


Son 2: "Why don't we have a clock in the livingroom?"
Me: "You're right. We really could use one, maybe for the mantel. Maybe I'll get you one next month for your birthday."
Son 2: "For your next birthday, I hope you'll enjoy your new Xbox controller."

Friday, 6 January 2012

Holidays' End


Me: "It's your last day of school holidays. You're not going to spend it just playing video games are you?"
Son 2: "Dearest mother, we're shocked you would even think such a thing. We'll be studying and doing core exercises."

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Weird Science


Son 2: "Mom, you're coming to do the puzzle with us?"
Me: "Just a sec."
Son 2: "Because you value time with your children more than all your Facebook friends put together."
Me: "Well, it WOULD be pretty cool to see a Frankensteinian creature made up of all my friends."
...
Me: "I'm on my way."

Celebrity


Me: "Say something bloggable."
Son 1: "I'm a celebrity now, I'm phoning it in. You say something bloggable."

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Sensitivity Training


Son 2: "Dad! That's racist!"
Dad: "Of course it is. I'm half french."
...
Son 2: "So I'm only a quarter racist!"

Too Soon?


Son 1: "You're worse than 12 Hitlers."
Son 2: "You're worse than Mecha-Hilter."
Son 1: "You're worse than a Hitler made of wads."
Me: "Boys, in this house, we obey Godwin's Law*!"

* Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies: Once a comparison is made, the conversation is finished and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever debate was in progress.
(Ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law)

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Sci Fi


Me: "Watching the X-Files with you guys is like being in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode."
Dad: "I'm sorry."
Boy 2: "I'm not."

Post-Season Cleanup


Me: "Come help me get rid of the Christmas tree."
Son 1: "Die you evergreen bastard!"

Monday, 2 January 2012

Driver's Ed


Me: "How's studying for your driver learner's license going?"
Son 1: "It's really boring. It's all 'A class 2 license is required to drive a bus with a maximum of 8 passengers, unless some passengers are of a different race than the driver in which case, the maximum is 12. Or a moped, or a moped with a trailer with no fewer than 3 axels and no more than 17, unless it's Friday in which case it must have 18, for obvious reasons.'... So, can I go play Halo?"

The Periodic Table

Son 2: "Beryllium? I hardly know 'em!"

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Fashion Innovation


Me: "One of thing I like about the X-Files is that Scully wears shoes that she could actually run in."
Son 2: "Yeah. It's weird when police women in those shows wear things like leather panti-suits."
Me: "It's 'pant suit'. I don't know what a 'panti-suit' is, but I'm sure there's a market for it."
Son 1: "Yeah. In Japan."

Movie Night



Me: "Oh... is Shawn of the Dead on Netflix?!"
Dad: "Apparently so. But it's too gory for the boys."
Me: "But it's so good!"
Dad: "Quit tormenting them."
Son 2: "Yeah. Shut up or we'll make you watch Pink Panther 2."