Biblical Portions

Son 2: "Why would God make an animal so delicious then not allow his people to eat them?"
Me: "Well, it's not the biggest logical issue with a literal interpretation of the Bible..."
Son 2: "No. It's the only one. Everything else is fine. That whole ark thing is a perfectly logical explanation for what happened to the unicorns."
Me: "Yes. As written in Rovers 1.45."

Legal Rage

Grandpa: "The internet is 18 years old? No wonder there's so much moronic content."

Pajama Day

Me: "Guys... quiet. Jane Austen isn't Mystery Science Theatre 3000."
Son 1: "That's why we have to make fun of it ourselves."

Christmas 2012 in images

Ball maze puzzle I am required to solve to access the gift card, courtesy of Son 2.

Toblerbone

Traditional Holiday

Son 2: "Mom... you're watching The Forsyte Saga while ironing linen in the kitchen? Holy crap! Could you get anymore housewifey?"

Sacrilicious 2

Son 1: "Someone should make gummy figures of the crucifix and call them 'Sweet Jesus'."

Subculture-clash

Son 1: "Wow. Those glasses are like a hipster mating call."

At least he noticed.

Son 2: "Did you get a haircut?"
Me: "Just a bang trim."
Son 2: "It looks like a 1/4 bowl cut."
Me: "It's fashion."
Son 2: "So are sweatpants."

Discovery.

Son 2: "I think I like disco unironically."

Well Played

Son 2: "My friend's parents won't let her play Portal."
Me: "That's because she has better parents."
Son 2: "Not better, more responsible."

Paperjerk

Me: "I don't have to fill this school form out. It's only if you want to claim aboriginal status."
Son 2: "Could I anyway?"
Son 1: "And if they ask for proof, just shed a single tear for the environment."

Black Holes

Me: "The crackers are all gone again?"
Son 2: "As teenagers, we don't have mouths and stomachs, so much as holes that lead to other dimensions."

Mirdry Racist

Me: "Are we going to watch Firefry tonight?"
Son 2: "Firefry?"
Me: "It's the Chinese knock-off version of Firefly."
Son 1: "It's almost exactly the same, but they speak in Mandarin and swear with terrible English accents."

Nommenclature

Son 2: "I like good food. I'd call myself a foodie, but it would make me sound like a douche."

Literary Diversion

Son 1: "What the hell is this? I thought Animal Farm would be a sequel the Animal House."

Ageism

Me: "Your dad is pretty spry for an old man."
Son 2: "You're old too if you're using the word 'spry'."

Mass Erect

Son 2: "There's a sex scene in Mass Effect where you can see some side boob."
Me: "Any side penis?"
Son 2: "No. Mom!"
Me: "What? I could have said 'side scrotum'."
Sons 1 & 2: "MOM!"
Dad: "Whew. Good thing you didn't."

Angstra-Curricular Activities

Son 1: "Alright. I'll go to Kung Fu. But I'll be grumpy about it until I get to class, then I'll be fine. Deal?"

Spacial Relations

Son 1: "Why does Son 2 weigh more than me when I'm taller?"
Dad: "He's broader."
Son 2: "That means I have boobs."

Political Produce

Son 1: "I hate apple juice. It's for communists. That's why apples are red."

Life Stages

Son 2: "Isn't joining Cirque a normal stage in every pre-menopausal woman's life?"

Sensitive Artist

Me: "Son 2 is going to a poetry reading. We'll have to get him a beret."
Dad: "And a pack of Gitanes."

Will-full Ignorance

Son 2: "Terminator 3 does not exist."
Son 1: "Like there was only 1 Matrix movie, and the Star Wars Christmas special was just an idea."
Dad: "And only one Highlander... there can be only one."

Tech Talk

Dad: "You're learning to program Java? Nice. Next you'll be talking to your mom about Unix."
Son 1: "Yes, but first I'll need to strap on my neck beard."

First World Problems

Me: "Want to read this article about orphanages in India?"
Son 2: "Nope. It will depress me and fill me with white guilt."

Season 2 premiere

Son 2: "Thanks for bringing us presents from your work trip Mom!"
Me: "Thanks for accepting bribes in lieu of actual parenting!"

Locutusmotives

Dad: "You remember when you were really little and into Thomas the Tank Engine, and there was the Diesel 10 train car character with the claw on top that used to freak you out?"
Son 1: "I can see why. It would look like our favorite character had been assimilated by the Borg."

Gender Issues

Son 2: "If you want me to stop being sexist you need to stop being such a stereotype."

Ethnic Food

Me: "Do you want a white or brown bun for your hotdog?"
Son 1: "That's racist. Pass me a diversity bun."

Birth Controller

Son 2: "I had no idea that your femi-genes would punch all the sperm to death if it was a legitimate rape."
Dad: "Either that or the egg asks 'What are ya' thinkin'?' so they all go play on the X-Box instead."

Political Action

Son 1: "Dad, first you said we could probably watch Alien, then you said it might be too disturbing.  If you keep flip-flopping like this, I’m not going to vote for you again."

Zen

Son 1: "What's the sound of one narc narcing?"
Son 2: "It's 'Hey! I'm dad!"

Fine Dining

Son 2: "Dad, get a plate."
Dad: "You mean a portable sink?"

Adventuring

Son 1: "Grandpa, can I borrow a hat for the hike?"
Grandpa: "What's it worth to you?"
Son 1: "Well, Mom's making me ask, so not much."

Ethnic Cuisine

Me: "What goes well on Greek lamb-burgers?"
Husband: "I dunno... tatziki, retsina, and a weak Euro?"

Dietary Degradation

Me: "Chocolate Pop Tarts? This is what happens when I go away?"
Son 2: "I tried to stop Dad. I actually really did."

Whoa.

Son 1: "Mom, when I was your age, we didn't have no stinkin' logic. That's how I could have been your age."

Non-Gifting

Me: "When I was away at the Winnipeg Fringe, I didn't see anything you'd particularly like. So I decided to just give you the money I would have spent so you can buy festival junk food here at home."
Son 2: "Awesome! Go to more fringes and buy us less stuff!"

True.

Me: "Did your dad really give you some wine?"
Son 1: "Hey. It makes you funnier."

Alien Encounter

Son 1: "Dad, first you said we could probably watch Alien, then you said it might be too disturbing.  If you keep flip-flopping like this, I’m not going to vote for you again."

Demeanial Tasks

Me: "Please unload the dishwasher for me."
Son 2: "Mom. If we do it, how are you ever going to learn to do it yourself?"

TMI

Me: "So, do you have any girls you're interested in?"
Son 2: "Uhhh..."
Dad: "We already had that awkward conversation. It ended with me giving him a jumbo box of condoms."
Son 2: "You mean a box of jumbo sized condoms."

Landscraping

Me: "Did you leave a pile of metal in the backyard?"
Husband: "In my defense, some of it's sharp."

The Evolution of Art

Son 1: "No one needs to know how to sing since they invented autotune, and no one needs to know how to dance since they invented awkward swaying."

No Dice.

Son 1: "My natural 20 roll defeats my need for social skills."

Heath Check

Son 2: "Could you pass that to me? I want to butter my pork chop."

Impulse Control

Me: "That's a lot of chocolate bars."
Husband: "In my defense, they were on the shelf at eye level."

No Shit

Son 2: "The people who make the Sherlock Holmes movies should just give all the money they would spend making the next ones to the people who make Sherlock the BBC series so they can make more episodes faster."

Rated "N"

Son 2: "Can we get Borderlands?"
Me: "I don't know what that is, but I'm pretty sure the answer is 'no'."

Avoidance

Me: "Did you finish setting the table."
Son 1: "Unnghhh."
Me: "Now."
Son 1: "But MOM, I whined about it..."

Company Manners 3

Me: "There's a reason it's not called a 'butter-lick'."

Shoe Horning

Dad: "Undo the laces on your dress shoes instead of wedging your foot in and out."
Son 1: "Next thing you'll want me to open doors instead of just knocking them down."

Narration

Dad: "I do appreciate story in video games, but it doesn't really seem necessary."
Me: "Kind of like in porn."
Son 2: "Mom. Don't play the porn card."

Social Pariah

Me: "How's your laundry situation?"
Son 1: "Great. I don't have any since I never change my clothes."

Media Studies

Son 2: "Why is there only one female Smurf?"
Me: "Gargamel created her to cause dissent in the village."
Son 1: "That's totally not sexist at all!"

Father's Day Dinner Out

Me: "How's your veal tortellini?"
Son 1: "Delicious. I can taste the cruelty."

Deep Hygiene

Me: "You need to go bathe."
Son 2: "Need is a strong word."
Me: "No, it's an acurate word."

Hoarders

Son 1: "We should stuff the pepperoni pizza crust with chocolate. That way you wouldn't like it and there will be more for me."
Me: "But you wouldn't like it either."
Son 1: "That's really not the point."

Ba-Dum-Ching

Son 2: "MENstruation? More like MOMstruation! Am I right people?"

Cheese-eating...

Dad: "Don't pick on the French."
Son 1: "You're right. They surrender too quickly to make it any fun."

Performance Anxiety

Son 1: "When I'm at a show and get pulled up as an audience volunteer, I always get nervous and just start doing a monologue. Sometimes Hamlet, sometimes Othello."

Upon return...

Me: "It's nice to be home."
Son 2: "It's nice to have you home. Except for all the narcing."
Me: "It's a gift."

Contradiction

Son 1: "Mom, you're like a bad influence, only good."

Reality Check

Me: "Why can't you get behind my art?"
Husband: "It's not art, it's our dinner conversation."

Homework

Son 2: "For homework, some teacher said you should give me some candy or something."
Me: "Your complete lack of commitment to your ruse almost makes me want to induge you."

The Classics

Son 1: "Q: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? A: Neither! I have an erection!"

Pulling Rank

Son 1: "That wasn't very funny."
Me: "Get dressed and do the dishes."

Religious Feed'em

Son 2: "We'd be happy to do the laundry if you perform that arcane ritual that involves sacrificing bacon to the MacKenzie Brother gods."

Middling School

Me: "Did they cover condom use in your Sex Ed class?"
Son 1: "Thanks mom. There's nothing I love more at the dinner table than talking about putting latex on my genitals."

Theatre Trivia

Me: "...so in theatre, there's something called warm and cold washes for lighting. If there's anything at all wrong with your show, the lighting designer will fix it. That's where the expression 'it will all come out in the wash' comes from."

Extra Lessons

Son 2: "Yeah! Long weekend!"
Dad: "Don't worry, we'll make sure you get to Sunday school to fill the void."
Son 1: "We'll hear how evolution is Satan wearing a mustache."

Wildlife

Son 2: "So... you're not going to post what he just said because you know that grandma is reading it, right?"
Son 1: "Now, if you make a comment about sex with cougars, she'll be forced to stop blogging entirely."

Fosse Start

Son 1: "Talk to the jazz hands"

Marketing Madness

Me: "Don't let Coke's youth 'Live Positively' campaign make you think there's anything redeeming about their products."
Son 2: "They're only doing it because they got community service instead of jail time."

Excuse Me.

Son 2: "Can I just eat bacon all day?"
Me: "No."
Son 2: "Is the reason because we don't have enough?"
Me: "That's the excuse. The reason is because it's disgusting."

Film Critics

Me: "All these super-hero action movies are the same."
Son 1: "That's not true. They're wearing different costumes when they punch stuff."

80's Love

Dad: "You know your mom is every woman in the world to me."
Son 1: "Technically, that means he can't cheat on mom."
Dad: "It's called the Air Supply defense."

Physical Comedy

Me: "No spit-takes at the dinner table!"
Dad: "At least not with the good wine."

One Worder

Son 1: "Want something funny?... PENIS! It's comedy GOLD. Let me repeat it in case you missed it the first time... PENIS!"

Conditional Love

Me: "Can we watch some TV now?"
Husband: "No."
Me: "It's because you don't love me."
Husband: "Yep. Just work on being more loveable, it will come with time."
Me: "...and then we can watch more TV?"

Devolution

Son 1: "What I'm going to want for Christmas this year is the new Wii U."
Me: "You mean PEE U.... Argghh! Look what you've done to me!"
Son 2: "You mean made you awesomer?"

Animal Droolty

Son 1: "I like to call pigs 'bacon-pinatas'."

Mad Money

Me: "So what would you do with $1000 if you could do anything?"
Dad: "Hookers & blow, of course."
Me: "Oh great. Is that your plan to make the boys into 'men'?"
Son 1: "Don't be ridiculous mom. You don't need blow for that, it just helps."

Geneology

Son 2: "Boobies!"
Me: "Why must you just yell that at random?"
Son 2: "It's your fault, you conceived me."
Dad: "I'm pretty sure it's a Y-linked trait."

Cleanliness

Me: "Go put a clean shirt on."
Son 1: "Fine, but I get to act indignant about it."

Support Issues

Son 2: "Mom! I can't believe you said that!"
Me: "What?! Your Dad was making wiener jokes!"
Son 1: "But you're classier than that."
Dad: "No she's not... what? I'm just being supportive!"

"We're in a room"

Me: "I love you."
Husband: "I love you too."
Son 1: "Get a room!"

Culinary Schooling

Me: "Are the burgers still frozen?"
Son 1: "I don't know, I'm not a thawologist."
Me: "Well fortunately I have an advanced degree in Defrostology."
Dad: "...but it's only a Masters."

Hipstamatic

Son 2: "Isn't the phrase 'war crime' ironic?"
Son 1: "You mean 'redundant'. If war crimes were ironic all the hipsters would be doing it."

Terrible Pun

Son 2: "What do you think of euthanasia?"
Son 1: "I think they should get back to making my cell phone."

Hierarchy

Son 1: "...but..."
Me: "... and if you don't stop it right now I'll demote you to Son 2!"
Son 2: "What EXACTLY do you mean by 'demote'?"

Overseas Employees

Me: "What are we going to do for material when the Sons move out?"
Husband: "It's OK, we'll outsource by adopting some small Indian boys."

Ambient Music

Husband: "Did you ever buy Adele's album?"
Me: "Didn't seem to need to. I hear it for free everywhere I go."

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Me: "Hey! I have some unscheduled time tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll see if the neighbour is free for tea."
Son 2: "Because that's what unemployed Mom does..."
Dad: "Your mother's not UNemployed, she's SELF-employed."
Son 1: "I fail to see the difference."

Special Needy

Son 1: "Can I take a test to see if I'm autistic so that I can use it as an excuse to avoid social situations?"
Me: "You were already tested."
Son 1: "AM I?"
Me: "No."
Son 1: "Damn! Can I test again? If I study this time maybe I'll pass."

Unfair Fight

Me: "Just because you all have years of Kung Fu training you think you could beat me in a fight?"
Son 2: "There ARE three of us."
Me: "Yeah...but I've got Mom eyes. "

Breakfast in Bed

Me: "Thanks for the tea!"
Son 2: "Brought to you by Dad Co., Quality Tweets since 2009*"
Me: "And the egg?
Son 2: "Brought to you by Son Co., a wholly owned subsidiary of Dad Co."

*https://twitter.com/marcmack

Business Model

Son 2: "You need to get all of your friends who think your blog is funny to tell two friends. Then we can start a pyramid scheme."

Intervention

Dad: "She's writing down what we're saying again."
Son 1: "Time for an intervention!"
(slaps pen)
Me: "Dammit child! I can't blog physical comedy!"

Tiger Mom

Son 1: "You know they're not called 'Siberian' tigers anymore because they're extinct in that part of the world. Now they're called 'Amur' tigers."
Me: "Pretty soon they'll be called "Calgary Zoo" tigers."
...
Son 1: "You'll want to fact-check this before you blog it."
Dad: "Get one of the interns to do it."
Intern 2: "Intern 1 can use the iPad."

Conditional Love

Me: "Come hug your mother as she chews her mouthful of meat."
Son 2: "I only love you because I have to."

Pyromaniacal

Son 2: "Who wants to set things on fire?"
Me: "Don't make me regret getting you a butane torch for your birthday."

Civil Government

Son 1: "You talk like this: 'You're a stupid blah blah...'"
Son 2: "YOU talk like THIS: 'You a dumb pee pee brain...'"
Dad: "It's just like parliament."

Science Friction

Son 1: "Nerd!"
Son 2: "Racist!"
Son 1: "Nerd isn't a race."
Me: "Clearly you've never watched Star Trek."

Father Knows Best

Dad: "Boys, be a feminist, because the ladies LOVE it!"

Rations

Me: "Can I have some of your chocolate? No, wait. I'll have some of my own."
Son 2: "What do you mean you have your OWN chocolate?"

Classic Radio

Me: "I was listening to this really old This American Life podcast..."
Son 1: "Was it about this new unsinkable ship called the Titanic? Or maybe 'this week... Act 1: Kids who won't keep off my lawn...'"
Son 2: "There was a Vinyl Cafe about too, that wasn't there?"
Son 1: "The one where Dave said 'Morley, fetch my my waivin' gun!'?"

News-worthy

Son 2: "What are they talking about on CBC?"
Me: "A viral video of a 2 year old singing along with Adele."
Son 2: "And why is this news?"

Tantalizing

Dad: "Tantalus was the guy in greek mythology who can see clear water, but every time he tries to drink it receeds away..."
Son 1: "...and there are grapes hanging, but when he reaches for them they pull up..."
Me: "...and he's got a TV remote, but every time he changes the channel it's still The Apprentice."

Sophomoric

Son 2: "That was heinous."
Dad: "Ha ha. You said 'heinous'. Sounds like 'anus'."
Son 1: "Which is next to Regina."

Addendum

Son 2: "...and wouldn't 'momstruation' be more accurate?"

Fightin' Words

Son 2: "Mom, don't be such a narc."
Me: "Don't push me today. I'm menstruating."
Son 2: "Then don't be such a menstruator."

Cultural Knowledge

Dad: "Boys, whatever you do, don't Google 'ball-gag' and 'santorum'."
Son 2: "I know what a ball-gag is from watching Jon Stewart."
Me: "When Social Services comes, everybody hide."

Styling

Dad: "Did you do something to your hair?"
Me: "Uhhh... combed it?"
Dad: "Looks good."
Son 2: "Mom, you look great in 'not crappy'."

Career Counselling

Me: "Have you given some thought about what kind of profession you might want to have as an adult?"
Son 1: "Batman."
Dad: "Hmmm. Requires us being killed so that you can revenge our deaths."
Son 1: "Yeah... but the cool factor makes it worth it."

Chemistry

Son 1: "Why can't we get a swimming pool?"
Son 2: "It would take too much chlorine to handle the party urine."

Too Far.

Son 2: "What's a MILF?"
Me: "Me."

Too Far??

Me: "OK, I'm wondering if this one might be going too far..."
Husband: "Oh god! It always worries me when YOU think it might be too far."

Financial Planning

Son 2: "Mom, Dad! This is the greatest SMBC...*"
Dad: "You're paying their therapy bills."
Me: "Sorry babe. Can't afford it on my income."
*http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2545#comic

Charitable Thoughts

Me: "...and that's why it's often better to give the Food Bank cash donations."
Dad: "Well, that and for their gambling problem."
Son 2: "Dad, you're a bad person."
Dad: "I'm not the one with the gambling problem!"

Convenience Food

Son 2: "Frozen lasagna for supper? It's good, but doesn't feel like a Monday night meal."
Me: "That's because it's too early in the week for lazy food. The Friday supper plan is to fight the dog for his hypo-allergenic salmon & rice kibble."

The Internet

Me: "Do you know what I saw online..?"
Dad: "Pictures of cats?"
Son 2: "Pornography?"
Son 1: "Cat pornography?"

Temptation

Me: "If you don't want me to eat your chocolate, why do you leave it open on the counter like that?"
Son 2 : "To temp you, so I can jack you up later."
Me: "Why are you so bad?"
Son 2: "I have mommy issues."

A Well Appointed Table

Dad: "Seriously? A notepad at the dinner table?"
Son 2: "It's just a part of her place-setting now."

Austentatiousness

Son 2: "What is it that people died from in Jane Austen days?"
Me: "They died from consumption. Nowadays people die from over-consumption."

Improv 102

Son 2: "Dad, that was WAY too far. And not in the good improv too far, but the creepy way too far."
Dad: "There's a difference?"

Great Concept

Me: "Boys, if you don't stop doing that right now, I'll tell you about the night you were conceived."

Arithmatic

Son 1: "you know what's funny? Mooning a platypus."
Me: "Why is that funny?"
Son 1: "It's comedy, Mom, I can't explain it."
Dad: "Sure you can: platypus + buttocks = funny. Can't argue with math."

Natural Consequences

Son 2: "This salad is good, but the vinegar hurts my tongue where it's chafed from sucking on my giant sugar ball* all day."

*As in:
http://www.j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/posts/jawbreaker_photos/

Gluttony

Dad: "Who's ready for another pancake?"
Me: "We're still working on the first round."
Dad: "Consume faster! You call yourself North-Americans?"

End Times

Son 2 : "Why is the bathtub full? Water source for the coming zombie apocalypse?"
Dad: "Yeah. We were going to tell you later, just before bed. So's not to worry you during supper."

Criticism

Son 1: "Why are fish so smart?"
Me: "Why?"
Son 1: "Because they're not you!"
...
Me: "That's not your best work."
Son 1: "Yeah? Well Mom, maybe I'M not YOUR best work!"

The Artist

Me: "When you asked me what's inappropriate to draw on homework, I didn't think I needed to specify 'a drawing of your teacher standing on top of a mountain of bones yelling I win, b!tches!' "

Holiday Reading

Me: "Really? Mike Birbiglia's book for bedtime stories?"
Dad: "He's 13 years old. I think he's ready to hear the S-word in the past tense."

Space Race

Me: "Nerd."
Son 1: "Racist."
Me: "'Nerd' isn't a race."
Dad: "Clearly you've never seen Star Trek."

Geography

Son 1: "What do mean Hawaii is an 11 hour flight? Why can't they build it closer?"

Determination

Me: "I tried using the Google calendar app on my iPhone, but I couldn't figure it out quickly so I'm still using the built-in calendar."
Son 2: "Thanks for the life lesson Mom. If it's hard, I'll stop trying."

Whipping Boy

Me: "If you want to beat that left over whipping cream you can have it on your pancakes."
Son 2: "Nice one Mom! For once you had a good idea that wasn't me."

You've Got Male!

Me: "Oh look. You're father's issue of the Skeptical Enquirer came."
Son 1: "I doubt it."

Countdown to V-Day

Son 1: "Oh hey, Tuesday is Valentine's Day."
Me: "It is! And I just know that your Dad has something SUPER romantic planned for us!"
Dad: "Listen carefully boys. That's known as 'pimping'."

Beef

Son 1: "If cows didn't want to be eaten, they shouldn't be making their children out of veal."

Street Theatre

Son 1: "We're going to see Waiting for Godot in school."
Me: "Or as I call it, Waitin' for G-Dot."
Son 2: "The 'G' stands for 'gangster'"

Quotable

Son 2: "Oh sorry...What were you about to say?"
Son 1: "Just a quote from the Simpsons. Whatever you were going to say is more important."
Son 2: "That's simply not possible."

Truthiness

Son 2: "I only speak the truth. Or lies. Whichever's more convenient."

Keeping Up Appearances

Son 1: "Mom's here! Quick, act normal!"
...
Son 2: "You're a stupid head."
Son 1: "No YOU'RE a stupid-head!"

Wild Life

Son 2: "Could I get a rabid baby raccoon and as it grows train it to be really vicious to everyone but family members and then glue it to my hand so that it had to got everywhere with me so then I couldn't go to school because it would be a public health risk?"
Me: "Uhhh... how was school today?"
Son 2: "Oh, it was fine."

Upon backing up the car...

Son 2: "Beep! Beep! Beep!"
Me: "Watch your mouth."

HPV OMG

Son 2: "What's this vaccine for again?"
Me: "Human papillomavirus. It's an STI."
Dad: "So in a few years you'll be able to use the pick-up line: 'Hey baby, I'm guaranteed HPV-free!'."

Morale Support

Son 2: "We're all awful people in this family."
Me: "Nope. Just you and your brother."
Son 2: "That was a pretty awful thing to say."

Sick Day

Son 1: "I know I know.... I have to go to school unless I barf up a vital organ."
Me: "Well, you could stay home for a minor organ. If it's a vital organ we'd have to call the doctor."
Son 1: "'Doctor doctor! I just vomited up my heart'. Hmmm...I think it's funnier with 'spleen'."

Education

Son 2: "TV is the worst teacher."
Son 1 : "Yeah. They're really slow at getting your assignments back. And they don't even have a final exam, they just average your term mark."

Emotional Scarring

Me: "I'm going to yoga class tonight if no one minds."
Son 2: "What? You monster. I'll never love again."
Son 1: "Yeah. Mom has the effect on people."

Erudite Conversation

Me: "Please don't use the words 'fecal matter' during dinner."
Son 1: "OK. How about 'crap-juice'?"

Black Friday

Son 2: "Friday, friday, gotta get down..."
Me: "You know, legally, I am allowed to kill you."
Son 2: "No you can't."
Dad: "It's true. We have an 'I Brought You Into This World' clause"

Mmmmm... Sacrilicious

Dad: "So in Catholicism they belive in transubstantiation - the turning of wafers into the body of Christ."
Son 1: "Wow. Eating gods. I'll bet Shiva would be nice with some garlic butter and a sprinkle of parmesan."

FBI

Son 2: "J. Edgar Hoover? I hardly know her!"

Hygiene

Son 1: "Mom! He said I smell funny!"
Me: "So go have a shower."
Son 1 : "That's some quality parenting you've got there."

Displacement

Son 2: "Don't you ever wish you had a daughter?"
Me: "That's why I make your brother grow his hair long."

Mystery Meat

Son 2: "What flavour sausage is it?"
Me: "I don't know... Italian?... they're the ones your grandpa brought."
Son 2: "If he bought them they're discount flavoured."

Exploratory Vocabulary

Son 2: "Can I say any word that's in the Bible?"
Me: "Like...?"
Son 2: "Ass?"
Son 1: "Or sodomy, or sodomite, or sodomize, or sodomafy, or Sodom 2 - Revenge of Gomorrah."

Don't Hurt 'Ummm?

Me: "Oh no! I'm running I'm late! ...what time is it?"
Son 2 : "Hammertime?"

Mendel's-Son

Me: "It seems that our son inherited your gene that prevents you from finding things in the refrigerator."
Husband: "It's the same one that makes him devilishly handsome."

The Editor

Dad: "Did you see my last post? 'If I ever find myself on death's door, I'm totally lighting a paper bag of dog poo on fire, ringing the doorbell, and then running away.'* It was quite popular."
Son 1: "Ummm... shouldn't you light the poo on fire before you ring the doorbell?"
Dad: "Thanks for dramaturging my Tweet."

*Ref: twitter.com/marcmack

Inappropriate Encouragement

Son 1: "YOU take the compost out."
Son 2: "No, YOU do it!"
Me: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Dad: "I'm passing you the bad parent Championship belt."

Gratitude

Son 2: "I'm really greatful. You're way more fun than mature parents."
Me: "Well thank goodness you've managed to avoid the tragedy of the well-adjusted."

Political Action

Dad: "... and then they sent in 'death squads'..."
Me: "Why the air quotes?"
Dad: "Well... I'm sure it's not what they call themselves."
Son 1: "Yeah. They call themselves 'death coalitions'".

Power User

Son 2: "That guy in the X-Files just needs to sudo in to defeat the evil computer."
Me: "Sudo? Where'd you hear that?"
Dad: "The UNIX is strong with this one."

Informed Consent

Son 1: "You can post anything I say. I have plausible deniability."

Family Relations

Son 2: "It's weird that it could be possible to be older than your uncle."
Me: "One day you could be older than your step-father."
Dad: "Hey!"
Son 1: "Ha! It's funny because it means Dad's gonna die."

Etiquette 2

Son 2: "Why don't they let me wear my hat in class at school?"
Me: "I suppose it has to do with respect or something."
Son 1: "Nah. It's to stop people from hiding a gun under there. You know it's just a matter of time before someone smuggles in WMDs under a beret."

Take-out

Son 1: "Can I have my own extra-large pizza all to myself?"
Me: "No."
Son 1: "How could you betray my trust that way? I'll never love again."

Aphorism

Son 2: "This switch is loose."
Me: "Stop poking at it. You'll just make it worse."
Son 2: "Where's that saying from?"
Dad: "Every mom ever."

Hero

Dad: "Never fear, little boy, Denial Man is here!"
Son 2: "Dad, you don't have any superpow..."
Dad: "DENIAL MAN!!!"

Gift Xchange

Son 2: "Why don't we have a clock in the livingroom?"
Me: "You're right. We really could use one, maybe for the mantel. Maybe I'll get you one next month for your birthday."
Son 2: "For your next birthday, I hope you'll enjoy your new Xbox controller."

Holidays' End

Me: "It's your last day of school holidays. You're not going to spend it just playing video games are you?"
Son 2: "Dearest mother, we're shocked you would even think such a thing. We'll be studying and doing core exercises."

Weird Science

Son 2: "Mom, you're coming to do the puzzle with us?"
Me: "Just a sec."
Son 2: "Because you value time with your children more than all your Facebook friends put together."
Me: "Well, it WOULD be pretty cool to see a Frankensteinian creature made up of all my friends."
...
Me: "I'm on my way."

Celebrity

Me: "Say something bloggable."
Son 1: "I'm a celebrity now, I'm phoning it in. You say something bloggable."

Sensitivity Training

Son 2: "Dad! That's racist!"
Dad: "Of course it is. I'm half french."
...
Son 2: "So I'm only a quarter racist!"

Too Soon?

Son 1: "You're worse than 12 Hitlers."
Son 2: "You're worse than Mecha-Hilter."
Son 1: "You're worse than a Hitler made of wads."
Me: "Boys, in this house, we obey Godwin's Law*!"

* Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies: Once a comparison is made, the conversation is finished and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever debate was in progress.
(Ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law)

Sci Fi

Me: "Watching the X-Files with you guys is like being in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode."
Dad: "I'm sorry."
Boy 2: "I'm not."

Post-Season Cleanup

Me: "Come help me get rid of the Christmas tree."
Son 1: "Die you evergreen bastard!"

Driver's Ed

Me: "How's studying for your driver learner's license going?"
Son 1: "It's really boring. It's all 'A class 2 license is required to drive a bus with a maximum of 8 passengers, unless some passengers are of a different race than the driver in which case, the maximum is 12. Or a moped, or a moped with a trailer with no fewer than 3 axels and no more than 17, unless it's Friday in which case it must have 18, for obvious reasons.'... So, can I go play Halo?"

The Periodic Table

Son 2: "Beryllium? I hardly know 'em!"

Fashion Innovation

Me: "One of thing I like about the X-Files is that Scully wears shoes that she could actually run in."
Son 2: "Yeah. It's weird when police women in those shows wear things like leather panti-suits."
Me: "It's 'pant suit'. I don't know what a 'panti-suit' is, but I'm sure there's a market for it."
Son 1: "Yeah. In Japan."

Movie Night

Me: "Oh... is Shawn of the Dead on Netflix?!"
Dad: "Apparently so. But it's too gory for the boys."
Me: "But it's so good!"
Dad: "Quit tormenting them."
Son 2: "Yeah. Shut up or we'll make you watch Pink Panther 2."