Saturday, 28 December 2013

How Richard III was written?

Son 1: "If you trebuchet an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters, eventually the blood splatter will reproduce the complete works of Shakespeare."

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

How Catan was Settled

Dad: "Anyone got a sheep for a wood?"
Son 2: "I'VE got a SHEEP for your WOOD."
Son 1: "Anyone got a beaver for mine?"

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Thursday, 19 December 2013

Season's Grievings

Me: "Did you see those photos of the Nazi Christmas dinner party with Hitler?"
Grandpa: "It wasn't Christmas, it was Festivus. Airing of Grievances, Feats of Strength. How could that not be a German holiday?"

Friday, 13 December 2013

Pithy Party

Me: "Certainty is the idiot's folly."
Son 2: "What?"
Me: "I dunno. I just made it up."
Son 2: "Ah. So, the waffle picks it's garlic last."

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Dressing Down

Son 2: "Can I have a suit for Christmas."
Me: "No, but maybe for your birthday."
Son 2: "But Mom, I already have a birthday suit."

Monday, 9 December 2013

Grande Gesture

Son 1: "Don't risk giving Starbucks coffee to a street person. If someone looks homeless, there's a pretty good chance they're actually a hipster."

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Season's Eatings

Me: "5 KILOS? What?... I... How could you even?..."
Son 1: "...with a spoon."

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Case in Point...

Son 2: "Mom, are you enjoying the SAUSAGE?... In your MOUTH?..."
Me: "Not sure. I've just tried the tip."
Son 2: "MOM!"
Dad: "Dude. You should know better."

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Excursionary Behaviour

Son 1: "... but I don't know if I want to go to that show..."
Dad: "There's probably going to be scantily clad female acrobats."
Son 1: "Yes, but if I stay home I have access to the internet, making that a non-issue."

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Road Regrets

Me: "Your dad took the Prius in to be looked at."
Son 1: "Did he take it to a gynecologist?"
Me: "I wish your misogyny wasn't so funny."

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Screen Testy

Me: "Sorry. I didn't come across any new funny YouTube videos today."
Son 2: "Mom... I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go."

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Chinese take-away

Dad: "Listen to this! 'Ching Shih the Chinese pirate queen commanded over 20,000 to 40,000 pirates and went undefeated for years until 1810, when amnesty was offered to all pirates from the Chinese government. She ended her career that year, accepting an amnesty offer. She kept her loot, and opened a gambling house. She died in 1844, at the age of 69.'"
Son 2: "He he. 69."
Dad: "Really? That's what you're taking away from this?"

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Special Defects

Son 1: "...speaking of CGI movie midgets, did you hear the latest about Tom Cruise and Scientology?..."

Tuesday, 19 November 2013


Son 2: "Don't make fun of the movie! It's a part of my heritage!"
Me: "'Thor' is NOT a part of your heritage."
Son 2: "I wish Thor was my real dad!"
Me: "Me too."

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Unsettling Strands

Son 2: "Mom, I'm growing hair on my big toes and it's freaking me out."
Son 1: "That's the disgusting miracle of puberty."

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Bawdy of Knowledge

Me: "You know, I WANT to say you're mature for your age..."
Son 2: "Why not? Because penis penis penis vagina boobs?"

Friday, 15 November 2013

Royals Decree

Me: "I haven't seen the video for that song by Lorde yet. Wanna watch it?"
Son 2: "Sure!"
Son 1: "And after that you can talk about boys and call then boys and then quickly hang up on boys."

Thursday, 31 October 2013

For Halloween

Me: "What's with the 'P' drawn on your t-shirt?"
Son 2: "It's my costume. I'm Pun Man. Or, the PUNisher."
Me: "That's... terrible."
Son 2: "But yet you still laugh."

Friday, 27 September 2013

Period Peace

Son 2: "Do women have periods because they have too much blood?"
Me: "You KNOW why women have periods..."
Son 1: "So yes. It's also why they're attracted to vampires."

Thursday, 26 September 2013


Me: "You better check your antibiotics' fact sheet before you have some wine."
Son 2: "You should also check to see if there's a pairing list."

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Opinion of Diversity

Son 2: "At school we were trying to figure out what TV character stereotype we each were. We decided John was the ethnic one."
Dad: "Isn't he white and British?"
Son 2: "Yeah."

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Statistical Advantage

Dad: "I see your choir has 65 girls and 20 boys. That's a 3.5 to 1 ratio."
Son 2: "Yes! 4.5-way!"

Monday, 12 August 2013


Son 1: "In sex ed class we learned it takes 15 minutes of foreplay before a girl can be ready for sexual intercourse."
Me: "I'll get you an egg timer for your birthday."

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Game of Bones

Me: "I love Game of Thrones, but I get tired of the gratuitous female nudity. They all look like models with huge breast implants. It feels out of context and pulls me out of the world."
Son 1: "Sounds horrible! Now I want to watch it SO much less than I did before."
Dad: "It's OK son. I'll watch it for both of us."

Friday, 7 June 2013


Me: "I saw a show about a human dog... he said something like 'Even though I won't always do what you say, I'll always love you unconditionally'".
Son 1: "Just like me! Except for that second part."

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Raw Deal

Me: "That's a lot of cookie dough to eat raw."
Son 1: "Can I take that as a challenge?"

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

I guess we shouldn't have watched Psycho.

Son 1: "Mom, I love you so much that when you die I'm going to dig up your corpse and use you as an excuse to kill people."

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Inappropriate Positive Reinforcement

Son 1: "Who are we still allowed to make fun of? Germans? They DID start two world wars.."
Son 2: "If they start a third, they get a free coffee."

Monday, 13 May 2013


Son 1: "My computer needs to go in for repair."
Me: "What happened?"
Son 1: "Poor planning and gravity."

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Sole Man

Me: "Nice shoes."
Son 1: "That's what my friends said. I'm not sure. They seem too... fashionable."

Thursday, 25 April 2013


Dad: "When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had libraries."
Son 1: "You got your porn from the library?!"

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Deferred Staff Meeting

Me: "Is it time for another condom conversation?"
Son 1: "Seriously Mom, he's only 14, and I'm never going to have sex. At least not for free."

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Casual Eating

Me: "You want me to cut that?"
Son 1: "Nope. Eating a whole half of a pizza is like eating a big slice of cheese-meat watermelon."

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Senior Slacker

Grandpa: "What do you mean I'm called 'Grandpa' in the blog? Why can't I be 'The Dude'?"

Monday, 8 April 2013

Media Literacy

Me: "Guys, it's kinda a media awareness thing I need to talk to you about... you need to be aware that porn is to real sex like what action movies are to real violence."
Son 2: "You mean AWESOME?!?"
Son 1: "Since they're going to watch it anyway, there should be an internet site of pre-screened porn for teens. You know, child-tested and mom approved!"
Son 2: "Mom. Taking off your glasses and rubbing your eyes won't do anything to impair your hearing..."
Son 1: "... seriously. How could you imagine this conversation would end up anywhere good?"

At The Right Hand of God

Grandpa: "Ralph Klein and Maggie Thatcher are both dead? What a wonderful spring! Since he's in rough shape, maybe Dick Cheney's next. Unfortunately, we probably can't hold out for Stephen Harper."

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Washful Thinking

Son 2: "Hey! The hotel we stayed in had a bidet, or as I call it, an Analtron 3000."

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Objective Reality

Son 1: "Atlas Shrugged: A book so tedious that they had to make it into three movies."

Friday, 5 April 2013

Spelling Beef

Me: "You know, I actually had to learn to spell."
Son 2: "Yeah. I'm sure that used to be a thing."

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Heart Ache

Grandpa: "I went to the hospital with chest pain, but it turns out I just strained my pecs doing push-ups."

Friday, 15 March 2013

Wreck room

Me: "So to be clear, you guys are going to barricade yourselves in the basement and play video games all night.  And my role is to sequester myself upstairs, order pepperoni & bacon pizza, and ignore the 2 liters of root beer you're pulling out of your backpack?"
Son 2: "Yep."
Me: "Done."

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Megashark vs. Crockasaurus

Son 1: "How did Urkel get in this movie?"
Son 2: "He crawled in through a plot hole."

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Aching Bad

Son 1: "Did you hear about the new problem in retirement homes? Apparently prescription drug abuse is a significant factor in musket violence."

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Divination Manipulation

Son 2: "What's palmistry?"
Me: "It's the practice of predicting your future from the lines of your hand... how long you'll live, how many children you'll have..."
Son 1: "... and if you don't like the outcome, you can always change it with an X-Acto knife."

Friday, 15 February 2013

Heated Argument

Me: "Aladdin thermos was THE original thermos brand!"
Son 2: "Wasn't Thermos the original thermos brand?"
Me: "Shut up."

Saturday, 9 February 2013


Me: "Male prostitutes are usually for men."
Son 2: "Oh. Really?"
Me: "Trust me. I've looked into it."

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Team Spunk!

Son 2: "The school board rejected our official team name."
Me: "Oh?"
Son 2: "I guess they didn't want us wandering around in T-shirts that said 'The MASTERdeBATORS'."

Saturday, 2 February 2013


Me: "Your father will be away for his birthday."
Son 1: "His present is that he doesn't have to deal with us!"
Son 2: "That's the best present we could give him. Other than hookers."

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Tactical Solution

Me: "You forgot your brother's girlfriend's name?"
Son 1: "It's not as bad as forgetting my own girlfriend's name. Then I have to use personal pronouns until someone else eventually mentions it."

Friday, 25 January 2013

Jar Jar Blinks

Me: "JJ Abrams is supposed to direct the next Star Wars movie."
Son 2: "You know the newest main character is just going to be a giant lens flare."

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Insane Austen

Son 2: "So... in Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Collins is like a 19th century Sheldon. And Darcy is Sherlock."
Me: "Or maybe Snape. Wow... this could result in some very disturbing fan-fiction."