Intimates Conversation

Grandpa: "You're mocking me."
Me: "You knew that would happen when you started offering underwear to your grandson at the dinner table."

 

Saucy.

Son 1: "You might want to make more salad dressing... actually maybe wait and see if we need it - you can't unmake salad dressing. At least not at the current levels of technology. But what if you centrifuged it?... forget it, that's silly... the egg proteins would separate out."

Pitter Pater of Little Feet

Me: "Grandpa makes a pretty good housemate. He's like a cat who mows the lawn."

Insect-aside

Son 1: "Arghh! Flies!"
Me: "Don't worry. They're only attracted to meat."
Son 1: "We're made of meat!"

Lucky Strike

Me: "I'd like you to wash your sheets today."
Son 1: "I'd like to win the lottery."
Me: "Yes, well, one of these things is achievable."
Son 1: "Yet neither are going to happen..."

Lippy Service

Me: "Did you just say 'shit-faced'?"
Son 2: "Yes."
Me: "You kiss you mother with that mouth?"
Son 2: "Not anymore, apparently."

Racial Slurp

Me: "Did you eat so many crackers that you can't eat your burger?"
Son 2: "Yes."
Son 1: "That's what you get for cannibalism. That and prions."

Goal Setting

Me: "How's phys ed class?"
Son 2: "Golf's hard."
Son 1: "Did you get a touchdown?"
Son 2: "Yes. A three pointer, then a home run."
Me: "That might be why you're finding it hard."

Trailer Trash

Son 2: I think they should make a gritty reboot of The Little Prince where he's a space pirate."
Son 1: "And he could develop a 'special friendship' with a stripper named Foxy."
Me: "Stop. Please. Just... stop."