Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Intimates Conversation

Grandpa: "You're mocking me."
Me: "You knew that would happen when you started offering underwear to your grandson at the dinner table."

Sunday, 20 July 2014


Son 1: "You might want to make more salad dressing... actually maybe wait and see if we need it - you can't unmake salad dressing. At least not at the current levels of technology. But what if you centrifuged it?... forget it, that's silly... the egg proteins would separate out."

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Monday, 14 July 2014


Son 1: "Arghh! Flies!"
Me: "Don't worry. They're only attracted to meat."
Son 1: "We're made of meat!"

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Lucky Strike

Me: "I'd like you to wash your sheets today."
Son 1: "I'd like to win the lottery."
Me: "Yes, well, one of these things is achievable."
Son 1: "Yet neither are going to happen..."

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Lippy Service

Me: "Did you just say 'shit-faced'?"
Son 2: "Yes."
Me: "You kiss you mother with that mouth?"
Son 2: "Not anymore, apparently."

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Racial Slurp

Me: "Did you eat so many crackers that you can't eat your burger?"
Son 2: "Yes."
Son 1: "That's what you get for cannibalism. That and prions."

Monday, 7 July 2014

Goal Setting

Me: "How's phys ed class?"
Son 2: "Golf's hard."
Son 1: "Did you get a touchdown?"
Son 2: "Yes. A three pointer, then a home run."
Me: "That might be why you're finding it hard."

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Trailer Trash

Son 2: I think they should make a gritty reboot of The Little Prince where he's a space pirate."
Son 1: "And he could develop a 'special friendship' with a stripper named Foxy."
Me: "Stop. Please. Just... stop."